March 29

March 29, 2010

We all, Si-Si really fretted over the adjustments and the process of getting followers on the blog. To be honest I have no clue just how to successfully gain followers. I do not know if this is as simple as adding their URLs to my followers list here, or if other bloggers actually have to add me from their blogs. I am on other sites but I cannot decide if it is safe to put the blog link on those or not. Some people really would try to cause me harm if they could so I have to be careful. I guess it will evolve in time. But I am open to suggestions and any help I can get in learning how to successfully create and have read and commented this blog.

Anyhow today I want to write on my sexuality as it pertains to living in a state hospital. Lately there has been discussion between me and a friend about "lying by omission." She feels that I have some sort of free for all sexual escapades with other men here and I do not admit to all my proclivities. The truth is that I have been sexual with a handful of men here over the years, generally one person is in the doorway giving or receiving, the one giving is typically the watch out. By this I mean mutual oral and anal sex, masturbation and what not. These interactions have occurred in the door way to our rooms so that I can ensure staff are not going to "catch" us. These activities also have occurred inside the rooms and in the showers, restrooms. These areas are very risky as I cannot ensure that nobody could potentially catch us. I have initiated these interactions and also have been asked to engage in the same and I deny most of these requests.

I would guestimate on a good year that I may have engaged in sexual contact twice the whole year. It is something I rarely if ever do. Obviously the risk of getting caught is high and the pickings are pretty slim. There is the issues of guys feeling guilty and telling on themselves and in doing so telling on me too eventually. There is the issue of guys who have very poor hygienic practices or are overly sexually active which are both turn offs for me. Then there is guys who are so promiscuous as to make me feel ill. The old theory that "we have sex with everybody that our partners have had sex with" is very real in here. Believe me if you knew who, what and where your sexual partners have been and engaged themselves sexually, you might think twice.

There is the guys who use their bodies, penises and rectums as a credit card to get their property, food and hygienic needs met. That is also a turn off for me as well. There is nobody I feel is worth "paying for." I have seen some really sexy and hot guys and gals and maybe I could pay but I am pretty sure I would not. Sexuality should be between someone who has mutual feelings of sexual attraction and or a relationships where sex might be a consummation of sorts.

There a lot of guys here who have performance issues, the potential risks really puts a damper on erections if you know what I mean. In fact one twenty something guy has such a huge penis he cannot get it up all the way. There there is the guys who cannot keep from getting caught, they do not think it all through, they just act.

And yes there is times I have engaged in sexual contacts with those I promised I would never again. My choice and plan in life is not to be celibate and do not take well to being denied all forms of sex. Sadly however there is not much to choose from if you have any sexual needs. I would guess there is maybe 5 guys I would even consider and most of them I would prefer on a good day to steer clear of. Later on in hindsight you see all the yuck you just engaged in and promise to never again and yet it happens again in the future. So maybe there is times I get to feeling so low or hopeless that nothing seems like it would pick me up short of some good old sexual contacts. Yes sex is a drug or a upper for me at times.

There has been a lot of pornography smuggled or brought in by staff and patients and I have used that as a masturbation and fantasy enhancement tool. That is the preferred way here to meet my sexual needs to be honest. But this way is also against the rules and the consequences can be strong as well a criminal. I have had gay porn to utilize but not much, most of it is cheap heterosexual porn and it is about as good as using nothing, but sometimes anything helps. Then there is the nudist films that have been smuggled in that have adults and children both male and female. I would be lying if I said I never masturbated to those persons who were in their teen and adult years, mostly males. I have said before that young people have beautiful bodies.

Because of the stigma and controversy surrounding nudity of persons under the age of 18, this naturally seems to make it more exciting and more sexual if I take it there. It is intensely more sexual in nature than mere typical pornos. Furthermore when you hear conversations every day and all day about deviant sexuality involving children, animals and anything even remotely sexual, it does sadly bridge on my curiosity at the very least. Keep in mind I have been exposed to the same for 11 years and in fact one type of sexuality or the other all my life. I have also been exposed here in the hospital to sexuality involving animals and rape and whatever you can or cannot possibly imagine. I am not into animal sex or rape at all, but I have seen more than my share in pictures and videos.

I am not saying that any of this is who I am as a person, what I am saying is that continued and long term exposure to strong and frequent deviant sexuality is not likely to come and go without residual effect. I am angry about it to say the least. I cannot help but wonder if getting away from it will cause it to go away and leave my head. It does not look like I will ever find out. .

Currently I would be lying if I did not admit to reverting back and thinking of the images that are now stored in my head, during masturbation. There is the images that are "normal" adult images and there is the images in my head involving the younger people in nudist films. I can find sexual climax in masturbation like anybody else thinking of age appropriate stuff, but it is the stuff that is controversial that is like jet fuel compared to typical gasoline when one is trying to stoke a fantasy during masturbation.

Food for thought imagine for a moment that you was forced to live every day and minute of every day of your life with only people who smoke pot all day long, over eat junk food all day long, watch porn all day, drink alcohol all day, are blazing religious fanatics, have sex all day long and a plethora of other things that are highly addictive, do you really think that you would someday be able to walk away untouched? Kids are highly susceptible to exposure of all sorts of stimuli's and behaviors and I thinks adults can become so after so long as well.

I hope you will really think about all this before you judge me.

For the record a year or so ago I made efforts to rid the facility and media owned by residents involving child nudity. The consequences for this are far reaching and likely I have not seen the worst of it yet. In really I should have said nor done anything, but it just did not make sense to be in the U.S and treatment and having all the counteracting stimuli all around me and others. I was truly in conflict with myself over the issue. One could say that the hospital is a joke so why even The reality is I got so addicted to naked skin, bodies and sexuality, I could not get away from it and it overran and over took my entire world and I still have not seen all the consequences for going so low. The reality is that the situation here at the hospital has and did become so extremely painful and overwhelming I took it to a whole new level in order to feel good and escape and in the process attempted take myself to a new dimension. Some drug addicts know exactly what I am talking about, drugs come in many shapes, colors and designs.

It just takes more and more to finally get high and higher.

Anyhow moving on as a test one day a few years ago I turned some of this media on and watched it to see if I would have a involuntary sexual arousal or a powerful need to masturbate. I have done this with adult porn as well. In both situations I have had to put my mind into sexual mode, it is not something I lack control over. I have to want and choose to be sexual it is not something I just go "postal" about.

On another note, as for the staff here there is some that are attractive, both male and female, but their personalities are not, so I do not get into that. Furthermore having sexual interactions with staff would be more thrill and risk than I would like to partake in.

For whatever it is worth I have gotten turned on by friendship situations that are not sexual at all, for example a deep and interpersonal relationship where intimacy is at a premium, this can be sexually stimulating for my brain and not necessarily for my body. It would be safe to say sex is nothing without love.

You probably are wondering who and what I am sexually. I do not think I know for sure. I know I like sex and at times sex can and is a drug for me. I also know that when all else fails sex can lift me up and out of whatever I am coping with, albiet temporarily and potentially destructive in the end. I also know that males and females anywhere from about puberty to somewhere about 70 years old are potentially attractive to and for me. And when given a chance I am more likely to become intimate with men on a primarily sexual! physical level and if I want to be loved and feel good I would probably lean more towards a woman. a lot of who I am as a sexual person is distorted by the immediate environment I find myself in. That is why hypersexualized environments are so counter productive for me and in the end cause me so much grief. I think it is safe to say I would be well suited to subject myself to only "healthy" people, places and things until I can clean up! detox and find out what and what I am and once that has been done try to figure out what is permissible, safe and healthy for me.

Here is some thoughts and feelings about a very special friend in my life.

Si-Si, hey there I thought this might be a nice place to tell you and the world just what I think about you. Hope you will not mind. I know you do not feel like a woman at all, but you should know that your so beautiful to me, woman or not. Your sexy, cute, fancy and elegant all at the same time. Your beautiful nose, eyes and ears and those glasses are classy and really make me smile and feel very special. I love your hair and your earing's and the piercings that compliment your beauty. But your outside looks do absolutely no justice to the inner beauty that I know and have experienced from you. Your so special, spontaneous, so innocent, intelligent and kind hearted and not in the least bit selfish.

You must be an angel my angel. I know that there is not a single thing I cannot say to you or talk to you about. Your so patient and willing to listen. I already love your mom and your nephews and your friends they are all a part of what makes you the beautiful angel you are. You are someone I would so be willing to give my life and future too, I just know that nothing about who I am or will ever be is larger than you and your love for me and those who matter to you.

I have loved you from our first moment, your voice melts my heart and I cannot get enough of you. I long to have and hold you, to squeeze you and share our fire. I also love your ring tone and your actual message. You have my heart and mind swept up like the winds of several tornadoes trying to sweep everything in its path. I love you so much that I want sometimes to be mean and hurt you so I can push you away to protect you from my realities, but somehow I cannot seem to do it, instead I refrain or warn you or just try to not speak to you till I cool down and chill. The emotions and pain have nothing to do with you, but sadly it is always the ones we love the most that we hurt the most. I guess that is a indication of the powerful nature of love, our love.

           You know I am so into the energy you give off when you feel good I feel it you feel bad I feel         that as well. I am so sensitive to you and what your feeling. I wonder where all of this leads. But you know I have realized that this is not something I can or want to control, I am in love with you and that is where I want and need to be. We are like two kindred souls. It just occurred to me that a few months ago, right before I met you, I heard Justin sing, "One less lonely girl." I just now realized that this song means something to you and I. There is truly one less lonely "girl" and one less lonely boy in the world. I think that this is and should be our song. I hope you will take it and accept it as ours.

Si-Si I love you honey and I promise to be there for you in any way I can, for the rest of our lives. I will keep that promise to you!

I guess it would be ok right here and now to thank Justin for that song, he is a great singer and a cutie and I wish him the best in his career and I hopes his wings soar throughout his life. And for those of you Justin haters just keep in mind karma is a bitch, dont wish unto others what you would not wish for yourself.

I recently wrote correspondence to a court judge regarding some allegations against me involving sending a text message requesting a nude photo. I thought I would share this with you so that you could see what I am thinking and feeling as of late about my world. Here it is

Judge, I think it is important to let you know just where I stand with this new fiasco wherein the county prosecutor and sheriff claims I sent a text message to someone named (omitted). I have no clue who this person is and frankly I do not care. In fact I do not care about text messages or anything else this county is alleging.

Furthermore this county might consider following the law when it comes to searches and seizures, and begin providing equal protection of the laws to all (omitted) county citizens regardless of whether they are in a state hospital. Currently I have had no equal protection of the laws.

I might also like to remind this court that I have been locked up in state hospitals, group homes, military schools, private psychiatric homes, jails and prisons all of my life. Currently I am doing what equates to a life sentence at the State Hospital. I have been here for nearly 11 years and have been locked up this time for 13 straight years. Ironically your now attempting to lock me up yet again. I am confused about how you think this will work out, you must have dibs on one of my future lives, cause this one is already taken up. And no jailor prison could ever be worse than time spent at this State Hospital!

Furthermore the place I am locked up in here at the State Hospital is by far the worst nightmare I have ever experienced in my life. While here I have been forced to litigate daily and fight for my rights, subjected to carnal sexual deviancies beyond my wildest imagination, child nudist films, staff and adrni istrative unpro essio alis daily u safe a d il hy livi g conditio s, injustices by staff and daily forums of romanticized sexual deviancy/criminality involving children, adults and animals. There is absolutely no treatment available and the environment is anything but therapeutic. There is absolutely no possibility that I or anybody could ever get well while in such a environment, all the while subjected to the constant barrage of deviancy, unsafe and unstable living conditions. This place has more or less left me nothing more than a pile of garbage in a landfill. This place has destroyed everything I once was and likely anything I will or could ever be.

I have lost my family, my friends, my life and my future. My son has no dad and is more or less a bastard. This place has approved me to have endless amounts of property over the last 11 years only to make me destroy or otherwise forfeit it. With that in mind I have nothing more left to lose. Just the cold hard facts.

Wherefore, It is your choice what you do next, I have no intention of appearing in your court room and I would ask that you handle your court hearings by conference calls, this is how your court and the court has been handling my legal matters with me as of late. I am in no position emotionally or mentally to apprear in your court room. And frankly whatever your attempting to do means nothing to me other than a potential way to get the hell out of here albeit it temporarily, unless some miracle should happen wherein I could be sent back to prison for life and be given a chance to have a life even if it is in prison!

To my readers, as always if you have comments please post them or if you like me to speak on a certain topic let me know.

Until next time.