March 28

March 28, 2010

Well today I wanted to write something more uplifting and positive. So when I came to sit down I found the monitor was crooked and coffee was splattered on the screen. I asked the direct care staff to bring out the key to adjust it and so it could be cleaned. All this time we have had a key and I was able to ask staff for the same for one of our two computers, but suddenly we no longer have access to the key. It is just another one of those things that frustrates me. I think to myself even the smallest and simplest things have to go wrong in here.

A couple of weeks back a resident was in small group "therapy" where it is anything but therapy and he found himself so angry he came out of the room and punched the plexiglass out of the computer box. By the way the computers are housed in a metal security cabinet. Once the resident punched out the plexiglass, I guess he threw coffee on the monitor as well. The maintenance staff about a week or two later put new plexiglass in the computer box but did not think to adjust the monitor or clean it off. To me that is a sign of how poorly they do their jobs. Now it may take forever to get the issue corrected.

Then to make matters worse our printer eats up about every other piece of paper ran through it and if you are not ready to yank the paper out as it first appears after printing you will lose every piece you put in it. The feed mechanism is worn out and they claim they have fixed it over and over for nearly a year now all to no avail. This is the way every single thing works around here. The exception is when the staff need something repaired then they get right on the job.

Anyhow I wanted to tell you some more about me as a person, on a lighter and happier note. I really enjoy cars and trucks, driving them, repairing them at every level from engines to body work.

I also really enjoy people, meeting them around the globe, getting to know them on a deep interpersonal level, sharing their pains and their happiness. I think people are just plain curious, awesome and deep inside everybody is something very special. Just got to look.

I like to give hugs and be hugged. I like those hugs that are more like a squeeze, the ones with a back scratch or a rubbing of my shoulders. I also like the hugs that allow one or the other to lay their head on your shoulder. I like the hugs that make you feel warm, safe and special. The same goes for a kiss on the lips or cheek from a good friend.

A powerful exchange of intimacy truly has the power to drive away just about anything somber or sad. I did not get many hugs as a kid and I cherish them now as very precious. Where I live hugs are very hard to find and often they are given for reasons that are not loving and friendly, but more as some sort of sexual offering. Some men simply can not bring themselves to hug another man for interpersonal reasons and because others will think they are weak in some way.

I may have told you before that I have a 13 year old son who I try to see about every four months. 'When we do see one another I try to give him a signature sort of hug, a deep and lasting squeeze and one we joke about later on. I want him to remember my hugs. Most of his life up till about a year or two back I also kissed him on the lips as a show of love. Sadly societal codes and his own teen discomfort has put a stop to that. I miss trying to show my true love for him, in the best way I can. I also wanted to give him a sort of love that I missed out on as a child.

I have tried to let my son know that nothing in the world is more important that love, showing love and being loved, family and friends. I still believe in that today.

I grew up in the country where crickets sing all night and the stars are never masked by city lights. I got to hear the sounds of the country, not the sounds of cars, sirens, horns, trains, or neighbors who had no respect for their neighbors. I grew up where fields and pastures covered every area that what not taken over by homes, barns, grainery and implements. Beauty to me does not lie in a developed suburb or a neighborhood or the downtown businesses. Beauty lies in what is growing on the bare earth, whether it be flat lands, plains, or mountains or areas of water, creeks, lakes or oceans.

Beauty also lies on a country road lined with trees, a wooded area where children can safely walk and get temporarily lost and away from everything and everybody. As a young adult I would literally try to go for a drive in the country every chance I got and I would also park and get out of the car, walk around or just sit on the car or the bridge rails.

One of my favorite past times is walking in auto or implement salvage yards. There is so much to see, there is so much a car, truck or van can tell you, about how it was treated, what kind of life it had, who may have owned it and when its life ended.

Another pastime for me is auctions, garage sales and flea markets. That is another place where so much is said but no words have to be spoken. I love to buy, sale and look. There is something serene and peaceful about these events and I adore them about as much as going o vacation.

There is nothing like a drive off of the beaten path, a old two lane highway through cities that otherwise I may have never known existed. To see the small town folk, kids being kids, old dirt roads that trace in and out the town. There is nothing more exciting and fun than a spontaneous and unplanned road trip to nowhere. And it is fun to take a good friend if you can find a friend who is spontaneous and willing. Driving at night is also blissful.

I am not one who enjoys motels much. The only thing nice about a motel or hotel is a change of scenery and the sense that your out of the ball and chain of your everyday life. I do not like wasting my money on a motel and instead would prefer to sleep in the car and then continue to drive and the next day get refreshed and showered at a truck stop. I want to save my money for museums, amusement parks and a occasional good meal at a nice buffet line sort of restaurant.

I also just love test driving the newest and latest model car, truck and vans. There is nothing like a motorcycle to really make me feel freedom. I also like to stop at the tractor and combine dealerships and look around and get up in the cabs and check out the latest and the greatest.

I also just love test driving the newest and latest model car, truck and vans. There is nothing like a motorcycle to really make me feel freedom. I also like to stop at the tractor and combine dealerships and look around and get up in the cabs and check out the latest and the greatest.

I also enjoy looking at homes that are in construction or are just completed and being shown. The fresh new smells of construction, wood, tile, carpet, new appliances, staging furniture and more. I bet you would not be shocked if I told you that sight seeing is also a great experience.

I was raised Catholic and enjoyed the beautiful cathedral sort of churches, the stained glass windows, the rich look of new the interior, the marble, the pews and all the other things o e y ical y sees i a big cue. e e is so e i g a a church has hat is healing or the soul and I am not sure I am speaking in a spiritual sense either. For the record I am about as distant from God at this point of my life as I have ever been, but I do not mind spending time in his house and I love southern and contemporary gospel Christian music. I also prefer a church that is free and alive in the spirit. A church that gets the blood pressure flowing and keeps you from falling asleep. A revival, now that is something I secretly yearn for. It takes a lot to get my faith and spirit alive and I seek that out if at all.

The parks, I love those too and the Zoo and museums. These are all wonderful places, places where I feel free. I do enjoy the swings, tetter totter, slides and merry-go-rounds, jungle gyms and more where they are available. There is no reason kids should get to have all the fun. These play things can and will hold me too. And I like to bring a camera along so that I can capture the moment forever.

I also like a four wheel drive whether it be in a car or truck, it does not matter. I like mud and shallow muddy ponds. There is nothing like a day in the muddy slop and the possibility of getting stuck and being high centered I really enjoy taking someone with me that is a little bit timid of a super good time at mudding as well.

I am not particularly intimidated about a breakdown on the highway or a road trip either, so long as the situation is somewhat temporary and I can fix the problem. There is nothing like a unplanned adventure.

I once told my ex-wife that going to jail, prison, hospitals and group homes has one good element, you never know who you will meet and whether they will be interesting, your best friend or whether they will teach you something new or exciting. That being said many people have not had the privilege to see and experience a lot of what I have experienced. But then again I would not wish most of it on a worst enemy either.

I really enjoy stopping by soup kitchens, homeless shelters and the like. There you meet those people who often have story to tell and they are not amassed by the riches of life, instead they focus on survival and living day to day. What they can and will share with you is very different from what you might hear from your friends on a day to day basis. I have spent the night in these places as well, that has not always been a grand experience but it was livable, cold and often a bit scary at times.

Then there is also the community Water towers, I love to climb them if possible and I also like to read the "graffiti" that people have shared and left there. This can be at best dangerous but always worth the climb and effort.

I also enjoy reading what people write on bathroom stalls, trees in the park, park benches' and other areas people and our youth commonly put their emotions and thoughts. I have called the numbers that are left behind on my cellphones, but mostly those numbers are nothing more than pranks.

I like to drive to cemeteries and look at big fancy headstones and family crypts. There seems to be a lot of energy there and at the same time a sense of peace. Sometimes I wonder who and what is buried there, are their bodies still there or has time caused them to be nothing more that dust. The only cemetery that I do not like to visit is the one my first son is buried in. The reality is that it was a very sad and overwhelming event and the last time I was their I still could not stop the tears and sadness from flowing. He is buried in a place of nothing but babies, the area is beautiful, but the horrible pain of losing a child is not. That has got to be the single biggest emotional pain and suffering anybody could ever have to take on.

I do enjoy a clean house, apartment, trailer house, camper, vehicle or whatever. I have stayed in all of these. And I always made the best of it. I would say that I have often felt and lived as if I am a perfectionist. That has changed in the last several years, but it was once my thing and I would likely return if I was ever allowed to live on my own again.

I like nice couches, recliners, wall and other types of decorations and adornments. I like luxury and big televisions, stereos and what not. I like a nice big family table for eating and nice dishes. I like cabinets and a refrigerator that contains both h healthy and not so healthy foods. I also like a home cooked meal and I also like to invite people to come and eat with me. I enjoy picnics as well.

I enjoy a nice family and friend get together whenever possible. I do enjoy family time a lot.

I also love music a lot, just about any kind of music. I do not like old women who scream Opera to the tops of their lungs. I get a headache from that. But otherwise just about anything that involves singing and/ or instruments is music to me ears. I like a multitudes of music from many generations as well.

As always If you have comments please post them and if you have questions that do not invade the privacy boundaries I have set I will answer them or if you would like me to speak on a certain topic let me know.

Until next time.

March 27 2010

March 27, 2010

Well last night I had a clash with the person who posts these blogs for me. It goes without saying that this site is not very user friendly. Finding a direct upload address was not easily found in the help menu and subscribing to other blogs appears to be a nightmare as well.

I had to ask someone 1500 miles away to help me help search the page for the needed upload address.

And it seems that one must copy and paste the URL of the potential blogs I might want to follow, which is time consuming at best. Why not just allow people to click on the blogs we want to follow and move on, and pick more blogs and so on.

When we must count on others to help us and these sites that are not user friendly, this really causes problems. In short it took about 90 minutes to learn how to do all of the following; OCR, save the document and then figure out what format it had to be in so that I could get it posted. After a great deal of trial and error we finally found that the best way was to OCR, save as a word document and then send it to my email which I guess must have converted it to "XML," and then finally it could be copied and pasted directly from the email to the blog.

Why does a person have to be a rocket scientist to use these sites. It pisses me off and in the end the person helping me feels used and is feeling like it is too much work in the first place. For the record I absolutely hate and despise the idea of using anybody.

Anyhow as we struggled to figure out all of this crap, the person helping me got more and more angry and less patient and all my time was virtually wasted on trying to figure out how to use this damn site.

Then of course there is 400 million possible blogs to subscribe to and not to mention the difficulty encountered in subscribing to each of them. My friend was rapidly getting more and more pissed off. Searching exactly for who and what I want to subscribe to is another nightmare as well.

The blogs out there, who knows which ones are common to what I am trying to communicate, express and accomplish. Some of the blogs seem institutional but from a care giver point of view and that is not what I want because, they appear in many cases to be the problem rather than the cure.

What I am looking for is people who know there is a problem and are advocating for change and need evidence of these type of facts. I also am seeking out those who can sympathize with what it is that I am going through and maybe they can find some enlightenment for their own darkness. I also seek to have some mutual discussion about these issues, thinking maybe this would be supportive to my own recovery or maybe I mean stability. I might even make friends and that would be great as well.

Anyhow all of the above caused conflict and intense anger between me and the person helping me with the blog. This person I have know for 26 years plus. I think she knows me pretty good at times and not so much at others. This is one of those times she seems not to know me.

My friend wants the best for me and thinks that somehow some way I should be able to rise completely above my environment(s) and interpersonal circumstances. From my point of view she is telling me to live in a real life drug ridden, sex infested, criminal and corruption ridden whore house/commune and I am in no way shape or form should be affected by the realities I am forced to live in.

Keep in mind that my head and mind is potentially so left of center I am not so sure what is right or wrong anymore. It is a natural process of conversion after so long to believe what is taught and adhered to in our individual worlds. My reality is different than the reality of most so called "normal" people. This particular time I have been exposed to these realities for 11 years. Most people in the real world take for granted that they can usually change their circumstances to one degree or the next, I cannot. I have two, maybe three choices, I can live here forever or do something to go to prison (which I may have done) or I can kill myself. Escape is not the option as I can not imagine being on the run or being paranoid and trying to live. With the way things are going on in our world my only possibility of freedom is the state going broke, a legal loop hole or a world war, I guess.

Even if I could rise above everything in my solitary segregated world, what would it be for? What or how do I benefit? In places like this you either fit in or you are daily "driven" with harassment, hazing, threats and potential assaults and maybe even death, depending who fears you the most. Ever heard the old saying "when in Rome do as the Romans do." In jails and prison you fit in or you die or wish you were dead, that is the only available option.

Most people who lead lawful and successful lives typically have reasons for doing so, maybe its for possessions, face or "Jones" value, family, kids, the heritage or family name, religiosity, staying out of jailor prison and a plethora of other reasons. But what if all those things you strive for were yanked out from under you and you had nothing to work or fight for? Then what do you do? Now you can see what I am facing.

My life is over and has been over long since it began. Thus the reason for the name "1974nightmare."

You see my parents have abandoned me for prestige and money and the fact that I am not their idea of the perfect son. So called healthy and productive people want nothing to do with me. Christians/sinners are better than me. God has seemingly abandoned me all of my life, is there is a god. My marriage failed, my son basically has no dad. The government and society lives in so much fear so there is laws that plague people like me ensuring that I never have a chance to live free again as our Constitution appears to promise.

No matter what I do I am marked and I would live imprisoned even if I was free. The things I enjoy the most have been outlawed for me, but it would not otherwise be against the law to enjoy them.

The world and our young people seem to not value people anymore. What is valued is selfishness, victim stancing, the Internet and gaming consoles. Why would I want to fight to rejoin these type of people.

Is it ironic the world is a sick place and yet the world condemns me for also being different. Then I hate to mention those in society who must be forced to live out dual and triple lives to save themselves from oppression and stigmatizing.

The world and society must label everybody and everybody must have a label.

Everything must be in a tight little square box or else we would be in total disarray. The reality is that these labels do nothing more than destroy those who are labeled.

Nobody knows me and they never will. Furthermore do we even really know each other or ourselves. How can anybody know what we are or are not when our world has these historical beliefs and views about anything and everything. Who ever validated these time held viewpoints, opinions and beliefs. That is right nobody with real enlightenment did. It is plain wrong, plainly wrong! Many times in history we have looked back in disgrace over the things we have done. What will be next shameful discovery about our actions?

I just watched a PBS documentary on Dr. Freeman the other day. Wow, in the 30s, 40s and 50's we treated "mental illness" with a icepick and a hammer to the brain. The show has actual photographs of kids as young as four and people of all ages getting hammer beaten ice picks to their brains. Yet nudity of adults and children in photographs is obscene and considered pornographic. What the hell.

Anyhow that Dr. Freeman dude was out there, what a sick creep. Destroy the brain, call it a lobotomy and that is going helping someone. And we as a society licensed that sort of activity. Yes history repeats itself, but when it does it is always in some way more morbid than the last. That is exactly what I have to fear and live with.

And to think I am only 35 years old. I may live to be 100 and let me tell you I cannot

imagine and do not want to see the realities I will see and be exposed to. Most people consider a long life a great achievement, I do not. To be honest if I ever become terminally ill, I have no intentions of stopping that natural process. Who in their right might would want to prolong their lives to see us destroy our own.

I have often wondered what it would be like to sit of the top of the world and look down and see the ant like creatures and their creations and watch the populations quite literally destroy themselves. That is just what we do as a world. And we pay good money to do it, which is why our world is in the midst of a financial nightmare. Would it be wrong to sit back and laugh. I hope not because it is humorous, what else can one do but laugh. One or two people cannot reverse what we are predetermining for ourselves.

I recall in ''The Terminator" movie, the main actors, the boy and the terminator were at a gas station and two little boys were playing nearby with guns and the boy says, "we are not going to make it are we." These producers have a lot more enlightenment that we give them credit for. We cannot even see what we are doing to ourselves, we may have a hold on developing technology that may be the death of us, but beyond that we remain blind.

Anyhow I guess it goes without saying I am one of the lost. I am trying to figure out some way to change this pattern for some one else. Just because I am lost does not mean everybody has to be. Thus the purpose of this blog and the book I am writing with the help of a ghost writer about my life.

My friend who is helping me publish this blog told me this blog is "bull." If the blog is bull so is the book. Both are a written portrayal of my life and my world. Those comments are at best hurtful and I have told her so.

My friend is scared to death of the Internet, because of spam bots, search-able written and never deleted web content, filth, perversion, the government, porn, and the people who may have fake or real alter egos and personalities. She does not trust it at all, and I am not saying she is wrong. But anytime I ask her to do anything she gives me tremendous flack and lets me know loud and clear how much she hates it. I find myself wondering what I am supposed to do in situations like this.

Should I just give up and go silent or should I keep trying to change the pattern and expose the realities. The Internet is the best and cheapest avenue for speaking out, what can I say? Some people think I may be unable to take no for a answer. The reality is I want to give it my best shot and then if I am told no, I can and will except it. But just giving up is contrary to my personality.

Once again I feel I am misunderstood. Most people do not know what they are saying when they claim they are being controlled or have no choice in something they are doing or have been asked to do. One has to think what is the consequences of saying no? Would saying no cause you to be hurt or killed and what exactly is the consequences of the loss. Maybe a person who has been actually raped and or murdered can tell you the difference between being forced and not having a choice.

The places I am or have been in do not allow for choices either, when all else fails they will bring in unlimited amounts of beefy reinforcements, forced injections/medications, bodily restraints and restraint chairs and seclusion. They will force you to do whatever they want. And if you fight back they will hurt you in anyway they can, subtle or not and later will try to have you prosecuted.

Believe me It is not like the movies where someone is a master at martial arts and can take down anybody and everything that stands in their way. Thanks to Hollywood we are even more distorted than we realize. It would not be bad if we could easily separate what is real and what is not. Keep that in mind the next time you feel forced to do something and or you feel your being controlled. If you have any choices at all, you have more than I and others have had or have currently.

Many times staff are there listening and engaging the conversations and telling their own war stories. It does no good to say anything about it or to complain or tell someone outside of the facility because nobody cares. I have had to learn to file lawsuits and that does not help either, nobody, not even the courts of government officials care.

We" I probably said too much here but I want to be honest and truth full. Keep in mind a third party may feel the need to censor this before it is posted.

As always If you have comments please post them and if you have questions that do not invade the privacy boundaries I have set I will answer them or if you would like me to speak on a certain topic let me know.

Until next time.

March 26 here's how it is in the "hospital"

March 26, 2010

Well it is time to speak out yet again and tell you more about my life and world. This week has been rather interesting again. A few days ago I was informed that I would be prosecuted for allegedly sending a text message to someone I do not even know and allegedly asking for a nude photo. I am now looking at prison time anywhere from 27 to 31 months. Oddly enough at this time in my life I no longer care and have no real ill feelings about it other than it is just something more to get done and past. In fact this may be my ticket out of this new age concentration camp I now live in albeit temporary.

Prison is not like most people see on television shows. On television they concentrate on all the worst possible events and put them on for drama and sensational purposes. Prison in the state where I reside allows inmates to have jobs, counseling services, educational services, needed medical services and a life within the prison system. There is church, and endless indoor and outdoor activities for inmates to engage in. The visitation is excellent as well. I have been there before and I would rather be there. If I combined all the bad that ever happened there in 2 years, it does not equate to one bad week here. This place is a nightmare every day. I wake up worrying and go to bed worrying.

Figure like this, this place is like a jail, we are locked in and cannot ever leave. Prison is the same as well. But here there is endless amounts of staffing that are low life people who have more problems than we do as patients and they are playing "house" with our lives each and every day. They are trying to mentally masturbate our brains, trying to convince us our realties are distorted and that whatever we think and feel is a "cognitive distortion". There is no stability, or structure that one can learn and follow. Everything and everybody is subject to change ever moment of every day at the convenience of staff.

These same people refuse to follow any laws that would benefit us or help make our stay here easier, humane or comfortable. They preach one thing and their behaviors are exhibiting the exact opposite. Let me give you some of the more memorable moments here over the last 11 years.

The rules change every day and are only enforced at staff convenience. Staff regularly engages in sexual and other inappropriate relationships with patients, they also bring alcohol, drugs and porno media forms in to the patients. Staff lies constantly and most of them work here either because they are family of the administration, could not get a job elsewhere, or because something traumatic happened to them in their past and they want to get back at us.

Many of the staff have rotten teeth, do not bathe and or wash their clothes, many of them are out of physical shape and are on a plethora of mood medications. Many of these admit to tremendous pasts wherein they were lawless and trouble makers. I have also been approved in writing to buy and possess about 25K worth of personal property over the last 11 years, only to have it taken away, given back damaged and or told I never had approval for it and then I have been ordered to forfeit it, send it out or have it destroyed. These items were bought so that I could better cope with a lifetime in a state hospital. They were bought by friends and family who have now abandoned me and they were at times bought with my own funds. All of it is now more or less meaningless to me. It does not take long for a person to lose all hope and focus and just not care anymore.

There is also patients here who have with the help of negligence by staff, obtained endless amounts of child nudist films and other sexually perverse media. Hundreds of films that showcase more or less naked boys and girls in gymnastic and other mainstream but nude physical activities that clearly display their bodies and genitalia so that the viewer can see and nothing is left to ones imagination. These films last anywhere from 60-90 minutes each and some of them had no adults in them at all. These films are copied and then distributed from patients to patients for outrageous prices.

These same films however are legally sold in the United States and they are sold over the counter by legal vendors. The highest court in the land has repeatedly reviewed these and stated that are legal because they are not sexual in nature. I am not saying there is anything wrong with nudity for any age. What I am saying is that many patients here have sexual and other addictions and these things are no conducive to changing and living a good healthy and productive life. Not to mention that as with any drug, the need and the amount to meet ones addictive needs is a never ending abyss. It you get used to pot, then, you want something stronger like heroin and on and on. The same is true for sexual addictions, it may be porno magazines one minute, Internet porn the next, compulsive masturbation, exhibitionism or voyeurism the next, prostitutes after that, then rape or pressuring some to have sex with you, then maybe something sexual with a person underage, animals and or so on. Each one of these things get you deeper and deeper into your addiction and hopelessness and they leave you all alone and only "high" for the moment and seeking the next high. And when you’re limited as to the drugs you can get to make it better, you take what you can easily get to meet your needs, anything becomes better than nothing.

I was exposed to these items as well and they opened a Pandora's Box for me. Young people are beautiful to say the least. Their bodies do not show age or wrinkles. Regardless I do not need these things in my life now or ever. Our culture in the United States is not the same as the European cultures, where nudism is the rule not the exception. In some parts of Europe nude bodies of adults and children is as common as seeing a tooth brush and tooth paste. Europeans in certain circles are not as easily excited about what awaits under someone’s clothing or the possibilities of sexualized activities as we are in the USA, we are and I am. I was raised in environments where sex seemingly met all of my needs as a child, therefore it is not healthy to expose me to more sexualized realities in order to get well.

Hopefully that will give you a clear view of why I cannot get well in here of or any of these places I have been in. Furthermore on a daily basis guys are sexually exploited, to pay for their tobacco, pot, porno, and property and hygienic needs and supplies. We literally have patients that use their bodies as walking credit cards, whatever they need it can be paid for by bending over and taking some dick up their ass. It is not funny and I am disgusted by the fact that anybody would be reduced to having so little self concept that they will allow anybody, anywhere to have sex with them. By anybody I mean guys that have infectious diseases, such as hepatitis, herpes, Staff infections, horrid body odor, sores and scabs all over their bodies, filthy and long overgrown fungus ridden fingernails, and toenails rotten or no teeth, dandruff that looks more like a snow storm, hair that is never combed, clothing that is years past its wear, under clothing that is stained in yellow and brown, mental retardation and let’s not forget these same patients have smeared bodily fluids and waste all over their walls in their rooms and sometimes in the common areas as well, areas we all have to use and sit. I commonly use the phone and there are chunks of ear wax on the phone receivers and who knows what else where you speak into the receiver.

I also am forced to shower in nasty dirty conditions. Patients smear mucus, semen, feces, spit and body hair all over the shower walls, curtains and floors. The water is only luke-warm and shuts off after about one minute. The same is true for the bathroom and toilets. When a patient moves out of a room another is moved in soon after and the place is not cleaned and or disinfected.

On a daily basis I am forced to hear conversations and watch as guys, discuss kissing kids on televisions and they actually get a chair and kiss these kid characters and cartoons, discuss raping and molesting little kids, adults and animals. I also hear endless conversations about all the drugs and all the women they have abused and used and all the endless bodily and property crimes they have committed. In here the more things that you have done that are counter to "social norms," the more accepted and respected you are. Many times these conversations are sensationalized and romanticized. And many times staff are there listening and engaging the conversations and telling their own war stories. It does no good to say anything about it or to complain or tell someone outside of the facility because nobody cares. I have had to learn to file lawsuits and that does not help either, nobody, not even the courts of government officials care.

Well I probably said too much here but I want to be honest and truth full. Keep in mind a third party may feel the need to censor this before it is posted. As always if you have comments please post them and if you have questions that do not invade the privacy boundaries I have set I will answer them or if you would like me to speak on a certain topic let me know.

Until next time.

March 24 2010

March 24, 2010

Hello to everyone who has found themselves reading this blog. I hope you have a strong stomach or should I say mental foundation. We live in the millennium and in the United States but that does not mean our culture or society has become anymore humane, especially where I live.

I will not be disclosing my full name, my actual location or the mental hospital I find myself located at. I am pretty sure that someone will manage to figure it out, even though it will not be of benefit. I am not sure how my actual name and or my location would be in any way important to you anyhow. I have to shield myself from hospital facilitators and my own family because they want me to be silenced plain and simple. With that being said I will tell you as much as I dare about me and my life, here in this blog.

I do hope that you will feel free to make comments and ask me questions, irregardless of what they are. I will be honest so long as it does not encroach on the privacy that I am entitling myself too. Every part of this blog is being done by a third party, I will type or write what I have to say and it will then be transcribed or scanned into the computer and placed in this blog and any comments will be read to me and I will reply and it will then be placed on the blog via a third party.

Anyhow my name is Mark, I am 35 years old and I have been locked away in state hospitals, children’s homes, group homes, juvenile shelters, a military school, prisons, jails and private psychiatric facilities more or less all of my life beginning when I was only 5 years old back in 1980. I have also been on just about every anti-psychotic in the “Physicians Desk Reference.” I luckily am not longer medicated but the damages caused are beyond my own realizations.

I look pretty average, I am 5 foot, 11 inches tall, and about 200 pounds or more last time I checked. I have brown hair and brown eyes and my hair is thinning quickly on the top of my head. I am pretty clean cut and dress well and if I was hanging out with you you would not know what I am about to tell you, about me.

I was born with severe “Attention Deficit and Hyperactivity Disorder.’ Because of this I found it impossible as a young man to stay out of trouble, sit still and learn and my parents were besides themselves and I found myself sent away. My parents seen me as a demon child, when in reality I was not anything of the sort, my energy and my inability to sit still and stay out of trouble was larger than me. My parents treated me as if I was a bad child and their handling of my was physically and psychologically abusive to say the least.

I have written a manuscript about my life and it is in the process of being ghost written as we speak and will hopefully become published. In the mean time I will give you a deeper glimpse of my life.

For your information, I have been labeled many things in my life by others and the government, and some of these are, mentally ill, mentally retarded, trouble maker, sexual addict, sexual abuser, the victimized, a parent, a husband, troubled child, a loser, a pedophile, a lost cause, hyperactive, gay, straight, bisexual, pervert and many other things that are true, not true and are plausible or just plain societal labels.

I am in fact gay! bisexual or something in between, I am curious to a fault and have very limited sexual boundaries. I do not deal well with tremendous stress, frustration and hurt or what we might call abuse. I am divorced and have two sons one that died when he was born and one that is now 13. I have never lived with my son and have been locked away 13 years this time and my last sense of freedom only lasted about 4 years and before that I was locked up on and off in a state mental hospital from the time I was 12 till I was 18.

While in these places I found myself over medicated and more or less a lost cause, probably what we call in this society sexually abused, sexually exposed and/or exploited by other troubled kids. I also found myself tied to beds and locked into seclusion rooms for days and weeks at a time. I was a zombie.

At about age 15 I largely had grown out of the “Attention Deficit and Hyperactivity Disorder(s)! issues. I also thought my sexuality was normal and little did I know it would lead to my ultimate demise and total ruin of my future. You see I learned that all my emotional and physical needs was to be met by sexual contact, sexual contact that had no boundaries.

I gained love, affection, acceptance and all my feel good feelings by getting sex. And it was not till I found myself in legal trouble that I realized that I could not have sex with anybody who said they were willing so long as it did not involve rape or force. Nope in the “real world there is rules and regulations and laws that dictate what is legal and what is not, and these rules were and are very different than what I was raised and ingrained with. These rules of civilized society make no sense to me at all, as they pertain to my particular situation and actions.

Even worse when you get locked up in jails, prisons and state hospitals, these environments all reek of perversion, deviancy, sex, drugs and corruption. If anything I find that I have gotten 100 times worse than I was when I first got in legal trouble. Now I truly see myself as a lost cause as I have now been exposed to carnal deviancies that are beyond anything I could have ever imagined. Once certain doors are opened, they are all but impossible to ever get closed again. Further more it is hard for people to take showers in dirty water and also expect to get clean in the process.

I plan to write here on a weekly basis maybe more depending on who might wish to help me do so.