more 3-30-10

March 30, 2010
Here is a letter I wrote recently to law makers, advocacy and regulatory agencies, and it has done me no good.
Warning this blog may be very difficult to read and I do apologize, but I have decided I will write as it was and it is.
To whom it may concern;
I have a few things on my mind and want to express them to you. I have heard rumors which may be in consideration of allocating more money to the State Hospital.
I think you might want to know what is really going on here. The tax payer money should not be given to this program until the program learns to start effectively and properly using the money it already has at its disposal.
I am a patient/ resident at the State Hospital.
I want you to be aware of the hopelessness of the situation and the facts why. I will detail these things out for you so maybe you can have a better understanding of what it is like to live in here.
(1) I have for ten years repetitively taken and passed the curriculum courses here over and over again, the program just renames the same curriculum over and over again. I have a certified and notarized transcript of the classes I have taken and completed as proof.
(2) I have for ten years repeatedly taken and have passed the humiliating and degrading plethysmograph's and polygraphs.
(3) I have for 10 years been in and out of the humiliating and exacerbating group modalities, and while in these I have been exposed to the most carnal forms of sexually deviant conversations, known to man kind.
(4) I have been for ten years been approved in writing to obtain and possess over twenty-four thousand dollars worth of personal possessions and property, I have not abused this property but now am expected to forfeit every bit that does not fit in two small pack out boxes.
(5) The program has punished me by loss of property and possessions for things I did not do wrong, such as having approved movies, and at one point claiming I physically attempted to attack staff when the camera's proved I did not.
(6) The program has punished me by loss of property and possessions for writing grievances, seeking judicial redress of injustices and complaining. In 2006 they placed me on the punishment unit, for nearly one year till the Judge ordered me off the unit. The emotional and psychological abuse and damage suffered by me during that time remains irreparable.
(7) The program has no sense of responsibility for its actions or the law and what it requires. Everything that is wrong must be taken through the long and stressful road of Pro se litigation. A road that I do not know how to properly navigate and challenge. I am so emotionally and psychologically drained over this ten year battle that is still raging on.
(8) The Program refuses to properly and in a timely manner review grievances, if at all. Most grievances are lost, never reviewed on their merits and the program has no plans whatsoever of really addressing anything.
(9) The program has allowed patients to receive contraband through staff and staff negligence into a secure mail and ~ visitation area. To name a few, huge collections of child nudist films of young boys and girls frolicking in saunas, pools, showers and locker rooms. The program staff also allow and bring in illicit drugs,
alcohol, personal property that was not approved, weapons, tobacco and more. The program is and remains negligent in this way.
(10) The program locks men in their rooms them for weeks at a time and also force medicates, and without good cause as a punishment for expressing thoughts and feelings about being abused.
(11) The program uses electricity as a privilege, this means patients are forced to sit in locked rooms with no fan when it is hot.
(12) The program uses the "Punishment Unit" to force guys to become pliable and agreeable to whatever the program demands, even though patients are not supposed to be forced into treatment. These same guys are not trouble makers and rarely have any behavioral problems. I am one of these guys and have been on the unit for one year so far.
(13) The program is becoming more and more dangerous, patients are being attacked and beaten up on a regular basis. Sometimes the staff are watching and enabling the attacks. The program is not able to keep guys sa e who are no physica Iy aggressive. The local law enforcement ensures that patients who attack other patients are not criminally charged for these acts unless it occurs against staff.
(14) The program staff are actively attempting to have me criminally prosecuted. This has been going on for a year and it has happened two or three times in the past. I have proof of this as well. This effectively means that there is no trust and rapport between me and the program staff or officials. Sadly the most important factor of treatment is having trust and rapport with treatment staff.
(15) The program staff and officials have been pushing the other men to the wits end with their endless rule book changes, indecision, back peddling, inconsistency, arbitrary decisions, forfeiture of approved property, ensuring unsafe living conditions, harassment, violation of patients rights and other statutory and constitutional laws. This all has caused no-violent patients to become violent and even suicidal and several patients have been sent back to prison.
(16) My personal property and clothing have been damaged, warranties voided and more at the hands of staff during being moved from one unit to the next, storing property, and laundering property. The program refuses any accountability for these actions.
(17) The program refuses to properly launder clothing and linens, often I am forced to sleep on dirty pillows and pillow protectors, and stained white sheets. I am also being denied the ability to use the on unit washer and dryer, the facility claims it is a privilege.
(18) The facility denied me any ability to advertise and meet adult friends and support systems outside of the program. The program has effectively left me lonely, failure to adhere causes me punishment if I get caught.
(19) The program refuses to effectively and properly clean the living units, instead leaving it up to a few irresponsible minimum wage paid patients! patients. This has become a health risk due to infections and more.
(20) The program refuses to effectively and properly repair and maintain the living units, personal rooms and living areas. The maintenance staff are ignorant, this means we at times are too hot or too cold because the heaters and air conditioners do not work. This means that beds, walls, doors, locks, security cameras, tables, chairs, phones and computers are left broken, to the point of discomfort, frustration and anger for months.
(21) The program refuses to provide jobs for everyone so that patients may be productive and do something worthwhile in their lives.
(22) The patient phones are not maintained and are left broken for months. 30 men give or take have to use these daily and when the are broken, we have a hard time receiving and making calls to friends, family, lawyers, clergy and other business contacts. These same phone cost extravagant amounts to make calls outgoing, stopping us from contact with the outside world.
(23) We have patients who are allowed to publicly kiss televisions when children are on them, they are allowed to talk loudly and openly about sexual acts they would perform on kids while they watch the televisions.
(24) We have staff who engage in sexual acts and relationships with patients.
(25) We have staff who use the Internet and cellphones to surf the web, send personal emails, watch videos and play games while at work.
(26) We have excessive staff working on each unit and paid for by tax dollars, who are not trained, who are more or less low lifers and lazy. This denies a properly structured and trained environment for patients.
(27) The Program constantly asks for more money but does not provide the tax payers anything or their money other than a form without substance warehouse.
(28) My family has been denied the ability to contact me and visit me over the last year, because the program alleges to have found contraband inside a prison/jail security toilet inside a room I lived in briefly during 2008. The program claims to be attempting to prosecute me for this as well.
(29) Over the last several years state and federal regulatory agencies, has came to the State Hospital and found endless violations of law, both state and federal, and violations of accepted standards and practices of the running of hospitals. This has plagued the news and the Internet.
(30) I am denied access to religious materials and Bible studies, without going through repetitive bouts of red tape, even prisons and jails do not do this.
(31) The unit I am forced to live on is loud, stereos blaring and bass reflex, televisions blaring, guys allowed to hoot and holler at all times, without no redirection from staff.
(32) patients are allowed to exploit other patients out of their property, sexual favors and more, with no staff redirection.
(33) Staff and clinical professionals are not properly licensed and trained to work here, they often ride under the licenses of questionably trained and unprofessional staff.
(34) There is no oversight into the actions of staff or other professionals here at the State Hospital.
(35) Recently our ex-superintendent was told to leave for embezzlement of funds and losing keys 0 the pharmacy in which medications were being illegally sold for profit. In fact a lady that worked for risk management was the superintendents mistress and when the superintendent upset her or stopped providing financial perks she turned him in.
(36) Patients have been allowed to die due to medical negligence, assaults, suicides and more. The State Hospital Officials have become totally negligent in everything they do.
(37) There is no patient ombudsman to assist patients with issues claimed herein.
(38) There is no patient confidentiality, when a tries to report serious issues staff report it to all the patients involved and make the unit unsafe to live in.
(39) The depression and hopelessness associated with all this is overwhelming to say the least. There is no hope of ever getting out due to what is described herein and the fact that patients cannot truly get well in this type of environment.
In closing this is only a partial list of the realities here. But I want you to be educated and clear about what it is that your paying for here. You can contact me if you need more information or documentary evidence.
Below is a idea of what it was like for me to live in the places I grew up in as a child. I filed something like this in a lawsuit about my childhood. The "plaintiff' references me and the "defendants" references the people, staff and state officials who were in charge of me as a child. I have changed any identifying information so that I can obviously protect my privacy.
There is a grand amount of mistakes and I do not think I will be correcting all of them. I am sure you can read between the lines and words and understand it. Legal documents are often complicated and this one had to be changed and substantially added to and I was on a time line when I refiled it so it is not without many mistakes, I apologize but I am sure you will understand what I am intent on writing and conveying.
The Plaintiff in ay of 2009, finished writing the memoirs of his life in book form. It was during this time the Plaintiff was first able to connect the dots revealing the pervasive pattern of childhood, sexual exploitation and exposure to sexually inappropriate stimuli's and behaviors.
The Plaintiff has suffered most of his life in and out of state and privately operated facilities wherein children and adults are committed and housed, with every known disability and retardation known to mankind. The Plaintiff was therefore exposed unknown at the time to terrible sexual abuse, sexual immoralities and child promiscuities.
The Plaintiff himself was committed and housed in such placements because of severe behavioral and learning dysfunctions related to attention deficit disorder, hyperactivity disorder, conduct disorder among others. The Plaintiff was a very young pre-adolescent child when he first began his abusive and misguided journey in and out of these placements. In fact the Plaintiff did not know that the other children were any different from himself. The Plaintiff had no reason as a child to believe that what he experienced as a child was anything other than normal. The Plaintiff sadly, still struggles to see what he experienced as a child as abuse. The abuse the Plaintiff suffered led to and is responsible for his adult imprisonments and the subsequent sexual abuse of others and the destruction of his, life and other innocent third parties, and their lives.
The Defendants would and should have known the children, both male and females, in their custody had been sexually abused and were sexual abusers, and had problems with sexual acting out themselves. The Defendants failed to intervene and take action stopping the sexual acting out and the Plaintiff and other third parties have since suffered dramatically as a result. The Defendant(s) failed to provide treatment for this.
The Defendant(s) were recklessly indifferent wherein they unlawfully, willfully and negligently applied seclusion and restraints, unlawfully, willfully and negligently misused and forced medications, and unlawfully, willfully and negligently denied the Petitioner any care and treatment related to the reasons (behaviors and mental impairment) for the commitments, and unlawfully, willfully and negligently ignored signs of sexual abuse that was perpetrated upon the Plaintiff and by the Plaintiff and in doing so denied the Plaintiff much needed care and treatment and ensured the Plaintiff's entire life and future would be needlessly ruined and sabotaged. The Defendant(s) by and through there willful and unlawful negligence also allowed a cycle of abuse that has ruined other lives as well.
In fact the Plaintiff is currently still placed in state owned and operated environments where sexual abuse, exploitation and exposure happen each day, further exacerbating the mental and psychological condition of the Plaintiff.



Here is more detailed information about my childhood experiences:
Before we beging remember; Each Defendant failed unlawfully and negligently to provide care and treatment in a safe, secure and therapeutic environment, and also unlawfully and negligently misused seclusion and restraints, and also unlawfully and negligently misused and forced medications, and also unlawfully and negligently caused the Plaintiff to be exacerbated as a child and caused the ruin of the Plaintiff's childhood and future.
On or about April 7th 1980 through April 11 th 1980 and again on March, 30th 1982 through May 20th 1982 Plaintiff was evaluated and/or was placed at The Medical Center, because of severe Attention Deficit and Hyperactivity and other related disorders, Plaintiff was having troubles at home and at school. While there Plaintiff was severely and negligently medicated on anti-psychotic tranquilizers. Plaintiff recalls that there was kids that ran into the hall naked and played with their genitals in public. Plaintiff can recall feeling a lot of sexuality and also' a fear of it. Plainti was pressured by 0 her children to come into their rooms for sexual activities. Plaintiff was also compelled to remove his clothing for exams constantly, this further aided in the ability for the Plaintiff to build inappropriate sexual and physical boundaries.
The Plaintiff was placed in seclusion and restraints whenever he had a problem controlling his behavior and was whipped with a staff members belt as well, as part of so called treatment. The Plaintiff was treated as a lab rat daily as powerful tranquilizers were used upon him, that also caused painful side effects. The Plaintiff found himself praying for death due to the abuse suffered here and at the same time felt abandoned in pain and felt abused. Parts and pieces of these claims are clearly found in medical records.
The Plaintiff was not offered any treatment or counseling for documented sexual behaviors or sexual exposure while at this facility. Plaintiff was not offered care treatment, instead was offered sexual exposure and forced medications and illegal restraints and seclusion and corporal punishment.
Again this Defendant, failed unlawfully and negligently to provide supervised structure care and treatment in a safe, secure and therapeutic environment, also also unlawfully and negligently caused the Plaintiff to be exacerbated as a child and caused the ruin of the Plaintiffs childhood and future. This Defendant negligently accepted the Petitioner, even though he was unable to assist the Plaintiff with his mental and behavioral issues.
On or about April 23rd, 1985 through October 17th, 1985 and also on or about December 30th, 1986 through February 13th, 1987 and again on July 12th, 1991 through July 31 st. 1991 and again on November 8th. 1991 through November 26th, 1991. Plaintiff was placed a a psychra ric hospi al and while here Plaintiff was severely medicated on anti¬psychotic tranquilizers.
Plaintiff recalls vividly at least one incidence there involving a older woman in a wheel chair, Plaintiff was peer pressured by other older boys to reach up into a elderly womans dress and rub her vulva, when Plaintiff did this the old lady said "01 boy 01 boy that feels good,". After wards Plaintiff got some dirty looks from other adult patients there but that was about all. These Defendant(s) failed to provide supervision and care and treatment during the stays here.
At one point Plaintiff was put in a seclusion room and Plaintiff offered a boy his age at the time a cookie to have anal sex with him. He had anal sex with me but then he reported me after a HIV seminar the place had. In medical records it stated he was scared he would have aids from our sexual contact. We were held in these two seclusion rooms for hours unsupervised, and our doors opened up one to another, so we chatted together and after supper sexual contact begun.
The Plaintiff was also placed in seclusion and restraints whenever he had a problem controlling his behavior as treatment. The Plaintiff was treated as a lab rat as powerful
tranquilizers were used upon him, that also caused painful side effects. The Plaintiff found himself praying for death due to the abuse suffered here. Parts and pieces of these claims are clearly found in medical records.
The Plaintiff was not offered any treatment or counseling for documented sexual behaviors or sexual exposure while at this facility.
Again this Defendant, failed unlawfully and negligently to provide supervised structure care and treatment in a safe, secure and therapeutic environment, also also unlawfully and negligently caused the Plaintiff to be exacerbated as a child and caused the ruin of the Plaintiff's childhood and future. This Defendant negligently accepted the Petitioner, even though he was unable to assist the Plaintiff with his mental and behavioral issues.
On or about September 1987 through February 1988. Plaintiff was placed in the care of the Defendant, Military School, for behavioral modification and, care and treatment of behavioral issues.
During a incident a much higher ranking Cadet was to direct punishment after the Plain iff was caugh having a Zippo lighter at school. Plaintiff was called to his room and when Plaintiff arrived there he was polishing a lead etched saber. He also had a collection of pornographic magazines. Plaintiff marched to his room and was given permission to enter his room and was directed to be "at ease" and sit down. Plaintiff was then told that having a lighter was a serious offense and that Plaintiff could either clean the toilet's with his toothbrush or Plaintiff could give him a blow job as punishment.
Plaintiff was constantly having his pants and underwear pulled down by the older cadets at the school. During shower times other cadets would try to put broom sticks in my rectum and up in my groin. The boys would also poor endless amounts of shampoo in my hair causing me to be unable to open his eyes to stop the sexual hazing. Plaintiff was also sexually harassed by other cadets about their unfounded perceptions of my sexual orientation and Plaintiff was pressured to beat up and assault another boy to not be harassed or receive a "blanket party" myself.
Everyday after school all the boys/cadets would wait for the girl's to walk by the school and they would holler out cat calls and sexual innuendo and what not to the girl's walking by. Boys also regularly pulled their pants down, flashing girl's from the south facing windows of the dorm, as they walked by on the south facing street on their way home from school.
Plaintiff was regularly harassed about giving oral sex or anal sex to the other older boys for the purposes of paying rent and not being beaten up or "blanket partied". Younger boys were expected and did provide sexual favors for the older boys and Plaintiff witnessed this happen to boys younger than Plaintiff but was afraid to say anything. My clothing was also taken and hidden from me, forcing me to walk down the hallways to his room nude. Boys also regularly pulled their pan s down, exposing their rectums to other cadets and lighting their flatulence with a lighter, causing explosions.
My bunk mate had told me to be aware and cautious of a boy who liked to stop by in his underwear and chat with me. In fact Plaintiff was pressured to beat up and assault the boy so Plaintiff would not be harassed or receive a "blanket party" myself.
Anyhow the boy who liked to stop by and visit me was a friendly kid and Plaintiff liked him. But my bunk mate told me that if I continued to allow him to come around standing in his underwear Plaintiff would be assumed gay by the other cadets. So Plaintiff told the boy to steer clear from our room when he was not completely dressed. He did not listen, Plaintiff warned him twice all to no avail. One day Plaintiff was napping on his top bunk after having just came in from marching and I was wearing my army fatigues and combat boots. The boy came to the door and wanted to chat.
Plaintiff did not think about it instead Plaintiff just lost his inhibitions and jumped up and grabbed the boy by his underwear and beat him nearly to death and Plaintiff kicked him in his head with combat boots on, to the point that his ears had blood running out. A neighboring cadet
finally came by and told me that was enough and the neighboring cadet helped me drag him out of my room and he locked him in a personal locker and left him for dead. At about 2 am Plaintiff believes the boy was taken to the hospital after someone heard him moaning and crying and
Plaintiff never seen him again. Plaintiff felt bad about this for a number of years and finally in 2000 Plaintiff located him and apologized to him, he didn't recall it at all, except for the fact he was taken out of the school, this is sad at best because the school brushed it under the rug and that was that.
There there was holidays where we would be left behind waiting for our parent's to pick us up and there was peer pressure to break into the school canteen and steal food, which Plaintiff did once.
Then Plaintiff was also pressured and taught how to started breaking into offices and other boys dorms and snooping around. Plaintiff then broke into a staff housing apartment and ate jelly and food from the refrigerator This apartment was directly over our mess hall.
Plaintiff himself was regularly harassed about giving oral sex or anal sex to the other older boys or e purposes 0 paying rent and not being beaten up or "blanket partied". Plaintiff did not however engage in sexual activities with other boys while there.
The Plaintiff was ultimately kicked out of the school after doing fifteen hundred push-ups in a staff office in the dorm and with each push-up being order to say why he should not be kicked out, because he was caught by elder cadets with keys to the academic school building after entering a unlocked school looking for his Zippo lighter that was taken earlier in the day.
This Defendant was negligent in its supervision and did not help or in any way assist the Plaintiff, in fact it exacerbated the Plaintiffs issues and exposed him to sexual abuse, hazing and taunting.
Again this Defendant, failed unlawfully and negligently to provide supervised structure care and treatment in a safe, secure and therapeutic environment, also also unlawfully and negligently caused the Plaintiff to be exacerbated as a child and caused the ruin of the Plaintiff's childhood and future. This Defendant negligently accepted the Petitioner, even though he was unable to assist the Plaintiff with his mental and behavioral issues, in fact only exacerbating them and in the process caused the Plaintiffs parents and grandparents to forfeit approximately ten thousand dollars.
On or about February 25th 1988 through October 13th 1989 Plaintiff was repeatedly ordered by staff to take off all his clothes during the commitment and was often made to disrobe in front of staff daily for showering. Then Plaintiff found himself heavily medicated with Thorazine and every other tranquillizing drug available. Plaintiff had his pants and underwear regularly ripped down to be given forced injec ions. After Plaintiff was totally medicated and ~a"'e .... a z ePa .•. al y oegan 0 sleep his life away and drool all over myself and gain weight. Many mornings Plaintiff could not even get out of bed without falling to the floor.
Upon arrival to the hospital Plaintiff was immediately placed down a short hall to remain for a unknown evaluation period. The hallway had like three seclusion rooms and a shower and a toilet at the end of the hallway. These rooms were nothing more than a mattress on the floor. This was the hallway where the seclusion and restraint of the patients took place. Plaintiff was forced to sleep many nights on the filthy floor of the seclusion room with no mattress, pillow or blanket.
Needless to say Plaintiff was hyperactive and needed to keep busy doing something.
There was nothing to do but count the squares of tiles on the floor, the stains on the walls, read the graffiti on the walls, count mucus, burgers and spit balls on the walls and ceiling and look out the filthy locked screened windows that stunk and was full of dried feces, mucus and trash.
Plaintiff wasn't able to tolerate this seclusion room very long and would try to sneak out to the television room and Plaintiff would be caught and ordered back to my room or Plaintiff would be manhandled back to his room. This was a very scary place for me being away from all my "friends" and "family." It wasn't long until Plaintiff lost control and began screaming and cussing, beating the doors, sometimes hitting staff in an effort to escape them and being placed in seclusion and restraints and forced medication injections. Plaintiff quickly found himself in seclusion and 5 point restraints and locked in the room for hours days at a time. The hospital staff would bring in a bed with a mattress and leather restraints to convert the seclusion room to also be used for restraints. Then Plaintiff found himself heavily medicated with Thorazine and every other tranquillizing drug available. Plaintiffs pants and underwear would be taken off and Plaintiff was given forced injections. After Plaintiff was totally medicated and made into a zombie Plaintiff finally began to sleep my life away and drool all over myself and gain weight. Many mornings Plaintiff could not even get out of bed without falling to the floor.
Plaintiff in fact had nobody he could call and ask for help, nobody, not even his parents, not even advocacy agencies would listen when the Defendant(s) allowed the Plaintiff to call them.
During my stay at the hospital Plaintiff witnessed many things that are shocking and uncomfortable to talk about. The female children were on restrictions from hot dogs, bananas, brooms, hot curling irons and anything that was cylinder shaped. They would publicly and privately stick these in their vagina's and they would sometimes have to be extracted by a doctor or just the regular staff. Frequently non-medical staff, who were gender inappropriate, would extract these from the girls.
Graphic and inappropriate sexual discussions took place constantly and staff were present and entertained the discussions.
On or about October 19th 1989 through December 14th 1990 at a state hospital Plaintiff was exposed to a girl named Layla, she pressured me to allow her to sneak into my room and have sex with me. In fact she had made repeated rounds on the unit and had sex with most of the boys, in her room, in their room and on top of the washing machine and more while unsupervised.
This exposure gave me the beliefs that children were supposed to have sex and lots of it with anybody and everybody, who is seemingly willing.
Mostly it was boys and sometimes girls who liked to flash their breasts, vagina's, penis's and rectums to other patients and staff and myself. These same kids would do sexual things in the day halls, hallways, standing on tables and what not. This same thing occurred daily in the unsupervised bathrooms and shower rooms.
Plaintiff was propositioned and had sex with several other boys on these living units and hospital grounds and buildings. One boy who Plaintiff called big bird, was blond haired really tall and slender, and he would wait till Plaintiff laid down to bed in our double room and when Plai i ali ed a a sleep Plai iff would awake wi h him giving me oral sex repeatedly. He wanted to have sex with me but only if Plaintiff was sleeping.
The swimming pool was often used as a time to for the boys to grope the girls and the girls to grope the boys and girls as well. The girls would masturbate the boys and the boys masturbate the girls while unsupervised in the pool.
It was on this unit that a girl Named Tanya had been taken to a seclusion room and locked in there with like four male staff members, because she supposedly had put a hot dog inside her vagina and the staff all male had to extract it. Plaintiff recalls her screaming and she was in there for about a hour. Plaintiff can only imagine what was really going on there. Plaintiff will never forget this.
On this unit Plaintiff was still locked down and placed in seclusion frequently, sometimes for days. and hours. Plaintiff would often pray for death to escape my horrors. In fact that was most of my prayers. My joints would be so sore from being locked in these rooms and being tied in, five or six point restraints, to these beds.
Five or six point restraints is where leather restraints are tied to the bed frames and they hold your your arms above your head by your wrists to each corner of the bed, also a sheet holding your head from moving, a strap holding your chest or abdomen area and leather restraints holding your legs by your ankles to the other corners of the bed at the foot. You are given the ability to rotate each limb, about every three hours. Sometimes you was restrained face down to the bed, sometimes naked or in your underwear.
When the staff would sit on me to give me a shot or try to place me in seclusion, Plaintiff would pinch the staff's buttocks and breasts to get them off of me and sometimes they would jump up while Plaintiff had their skirts in his hand and they would naturally come off.
At this time there was many days Plaintiff was made to sleep on the bare concrete floors, with no pillow, no mattress, no blanket. Plaintiff would curl up in the fetal position to keep warm. The rooms were as Plaintiff said earlier were dirty nasty, and with semen, urine, mucus, boogers, and feces smeared on the walls and the floors. Many times the only pillow Plaintiff had to sleep on at night was my arm.
Then one day Plaintiff was sitting in the middle of the day area watching television when a teen boy there asked me to run away with him and told Plaintiff he had to decide right now. We were not being supervised and Plaintiff said what the heck and we took off. We exited the day area through the unlocked patio exit door. We ran across the west side of the grounds, ran through the preadolescence unit grounds and then through the adjoining field, and walked right through the Highway Patrol campus and even said hello to some patrol officers on our way.
Then we headed up to a Taco Bell, where we this boys family and we all got in a worn out white Ford Escort, which broke down not far on to the turnpike. So we was forced to find our own rides. My first ride was in a cab over semi truck. It was very hot outside and the guy driving, much to my shock and surprise, the truck driver was totally naked. Plaintiff then asked him if Plaintiff could use his CB radio to locate another ride. The next ride was in a beautiful fully loaded conventional semi truck with A/C.
The driver seen me looking up at his console and Plaintiff noticed his scanners, some of which was police scanners. The trucker then asked me if Plaintiff was on the run and Plaintiff admitted to him that Plaintiff was. He then offered me a job whereas Plaintiff could ride with him coast to coast and help him unload his trucks or he would give me some cash and drop me off in Wichita. It was a scary event for me, so Plaintiff decided to give up and be dropped off in Wichita and call my parent's, who delivered me back to the hospital.
On or about November, 26th 1991 through February, 27th 1992 on the all boys unit at the state hospital Plaintiff could not even shower without having boys proposition me for sex in fact on Unit 2, on several occasions boys were bent over the bathtub naked wanting me to give or receive them for anal sex or oral sex, this was also unsupervised and these boys had sex
a sa Iy.
Another time during the holidays the unit's were combined by gender into a all boys unit and a girls unit. This was to condense and direct all staff and patients to these units, because many staff were on holiday vacation and many kids were also gone.
Plaintiff was moved in with this boy named Jason no sooner than Plaintiff got in the room he was pressuring the Plaintiff for sex, Plaintiff think we masturbated and gave each other oral sex again unsupervised.
When Plaintiff had earned his full status on Unit two and was allowed grounds passed another boy who had the same privileges as Plaintiff was free to walk with me unsupervised on the grounds as well. The first time we went on a pass he asked me to give him anal sex, he was a red headed boy my age and Plaintiff agreed sadly I recall that his rectal cavity was stretched out. Plaintiff now realize that his behavior was probably due to sexual abuse throughout his life. Here is where Plaintiff met Nathan, Plaintiff recall him as a red headed boy, my age. What Plaintiff also recalls was his constant talk about his uncircumcised penis, and that it was really huge. He obviously did not like it or know how to keep clean under the foreskin and was always getting his male peers to talk about it accompany him to the staff office to address this matter. He claimed he was embarrassed, so Plaintiff and others would ignorantly go with him. Plaintiff recalls one evening being placed in a room with him and Plaintiff begged to see his penis and he finally let me see it, but he claimed Plaintiff was too young to touch it.
Then there was James, and Plaintiff who were roomed together. That night Plaintiff asked him if he wanted to masturbate together, he agreed to that, but said no when Plaintiff asked if- Plaintiff could see him naked. Plaintiff asked him to touch. He let me see but no touching, the next day he told on me and we was moved to different rooms.
Then there was constant mutual masturbation challenges to see who could ejaculate the quickest from the boys.
Plaintiff must have been 15 or 16 years old at this time. Plaintiff seemingly had worked through the program at the State Hospital yet again. Before Plaintiff left at the State Hospital Plaintiff had earned campus and off campus passes and privileges, where Plaintiff could easily sign off the unit and head downtown or anywhere on the campus during day light hours. Plaintiff even had a short daily, job on grounds. During this same time Plaintiff worked at the a facility for blind people as a cook, that was a cool job. Sadly Plaintiff had all sorts of problems that were never addressed.
The hospital claimed to be pleased with me and so it was time to move on and Plaintiff was placed in a group home in that was super restrictive and awful in my eyes.
And then In 1991 Plaintiff was put in a group home. Upon arrival Plaintiff was told he had very restricted access to the phone, could not go to school, go outside, have desserts and was required to do many jobs others were not required to do. Plaintiff wasn't allowed to go to the community or to play with the other teens there. This was so sad as Plaintiff worked so hard and had proven that Plaintiff could handle all these privileges. Come to find out this was one of the most restrictive placements. Why would the State Hospital social worker set me up like this. The staff there were crummy lowlifes who also slept all day and failed to provide supervision.
Anyhow after about a week, Plaintiff could not take it anymore, Plaintiff got fed up tore a door off the hinges to my sleeping room, blared the big console stereo in the hallway between my room and did everything they did not like. Plaintiff screamed and hollered obscenities, Plaintiff was very disruptive to the home and later that night Plaintiff easily walked out the front door and ran away. It was the middle of winter and Plaintiff had like three pairs of everything on, two coats and what not. It was the only thing Plaintiff felt he could do. So Plaintiff found myself walking down a old two lane highway east of Pratt. It was too cold so Plaintiff ended up going to a farmers house and he got me warmed up and had me turn myself in and if Plaintiff remembers correctly Plaintiff ended up at my parent's home for a few hours.
e P a- i' as aken by is social worker worker to a youth shelter. It wasn't so bad there, if you didn't mind having orders shouted at you, cold showers and women staff who flaunted there huge breasts at the boys. After a few weeks or a month here Plaintiff was sent back to the State Hospital.
Back at the State Hospital Plaintiff recalls he was 16 years old and Plaintiff was in a seclusion room at the State Hospital. Plaintiff was in a room with a mattress on the floor. Plaintiff was thinking about masturbation, but nobody taught me about this. Plaintiff masturbated and Plaintiff had a huge mess and semen everywhere, all over my clothes, the floor, my face and hair and what not. Plaintiff tried to talk to staff about this because Plaintiff was scared and didn't know what to think or do about it, they made jokes about it and laughed at me.
Plaintiff also met met Robbie when he was about 14 or 15 years old at the State Hospital. He was allowed to run down the hall completely naked with erections. He liked to strip naked and did this frequently. Again no staff supervision and/or redirection. Plaintiff also recalls sex acts at the "teen center" in the unsupervised rooms, and the boys and girls bathrooms.
Then on or about March 1992 through September 1992, Plaintiff was still court ordered as a Child Needing Care to be placed in the custody of the state and the state State Hospital. This Defendant was obligated under statute to provide for care, evaluation and treatment. Plaintiff was placed here because he was AWOL from a adult psychiatric Nursing Home, after he was sexually assaulted by a employee there.
While there Plaintiff recalls there was a younger black boy, maybe he was thirteen Plaintiff am not sure. Plaintiff recall being curious about his penis and what it looked like while we was in the bathroom unsupervised. He showed me one day in the bathroom.
Plaintiff was also placed in a double room, where there was no privacy. That night my roommate got up on all fours in his bed and covered himself with a blanket, but it was no secret trying to figure what he was doing. Back then Plaintiff thinks he was masturbating, today Plaintiff knows he may have been performing oral sex on himself. Again these rooms were •..•.• s e 'sed as ere he showers and ba hrooms.
- e s ay here was also filled with other sexual activity with boys my age, some a few years younger and some a few years older. Plaintiff don't recall all of it, early on others initiated it and later on Plaintiff started to initiate it as well.
The Defendant(s) offered no treatment or a safe environment, other than forced seclusion, chaplaincy, activities, school restraints and medications. My issues went ignored.
Each Defendant failed unlawfully and negligently to provide care and treatment in a safe, secure and therapeutic environment, and also unlawfully and negligently misused seclusion and restraints, and also unlawfully and negligently misused and forced medications, and also unlawfully and negligently caused the Plaintiff to be exacerbated as a child and caused the ruin of the Plaintiff's childhood and future.
Then on or about February 27th 1992 through approximately March 17th 1992, I was placed in this psychiatric adult nursing home. This was supposed to be a temporary placement until Plaintiff turned 18 years old. Most of the people were highly medicated and drooling all over, some couldn't even stand still and others were hunched over. Some would come out and sit in the dayhall naked. There was people having sex in their 2 person rooms, with the doors wide open and what not, stuff did not intervene at this point.
While there Plaintiff was allowed to help in the kitchen. Plaintiff met this black man that drove this big blue Lincoln Town car. He would allow me and some of the patients to help wax the car. Then one night there was to be a dance at the State Hospital, this man planned to take me there. Plaintiff agreed because Plaintiff liked him and his car.
T e night came a go to the dance but the guy. suddenly informed me he had forgotten - Sac" a'"c "'a~' 9 0 e a ge i. a i 0 9 . as a rue story. When we got to his house he acted like he was looking for his wallet and got out a beer and drank some and offered me some beer. Then suddenly his brother came home and there was a unfriendly exchange, so we left. .
We left and Plaintiff thought we was heading to the dance, but instead we ended up deep in the back lot of a place called (omitted) which was a junk yard with cars, trucks and lots of junk
Anyhow this man parked his car and started to remove his clothes and his penis was erect, he locked the doors and took out his pistol on the transmission hump in the car, where Plaintiff could see it. Next thing Plaintiff knew he was unbuckling and unzipping Plaintiff pants and trying to get Plaintiffs penis erect, he then sat on my lap and my body involuntarily responded and he wanted to lick my nipples and he wanted to "ride my penis".
Plaintiff wasn't interested and told him no repeatedly and that Plaintiff wanted to leave.
Finally he gave up and we went back to his house for a while and he tried to make moves on me again, Plaintiff told him if Plaintiff didn't get back for curfew Plaintiff would be in big trouble and the police would be called.
Finally Plaintiff then was taken back to the Nursing home by the perpetrator and Plaintiff called the police and my parent's. Plaintiff also told my ex-wife and her parent's. This is documented as of March 17th, 1992.
Plaintiff later learned this employee was a ex-convict and had been in prison prior to working at this facility.
Anyhow Plaintiff was told he was crazy the next morning by the director and if Plaintiff reported- any lies like this Plaintiff would be sent back to the state hospital. The police department and the county district attorney kicked the case out and did nothing.
Once Plaintiff found Plaintiff was no longer welcome at Nursing home Plaintiff plotted where he was going to go. Plaintiff asked Anna for help and she arranged for me to live with Vivian. This arrangement lasted until Plaintiff was arrested by the police for being a minor AWOL from a facility, while also a child in need of care. At this point Plaintiff was placed back at the State Hospital.
Again each Defendant failed unlawfully and negligently to provide care and treatment in a safe, secure and therapeutic environment, and also unlawfully and negligently misused seclusion and restraints, and also unlawfully and negligently misused and forced medications, and also unlawfully and negligently caused the Plaintiff to be exacerbated as a child and caused the ruin of the Plaintiff's childhood and future.
To my readers, as always If you have comments please post them and if you have questions that do not invade the privacy boundaries I have set I will answer them or if you would like me to speak on a certain topic let me know.
Until next time.

3-30-10

March 30, 2010
I just got done eating supper. We had a meatball sandwich, fries, pea salad and ranger cookies. I also hand some apple juice and I could have had a milk., but I gave it away to the resident "hoarder! supplier." The food here could be ok if it was prepared right and had some seasoning. The food is commodity! institutional grade, so there is not much one can do for it.
Right now I feel pretty good. The last week it has been so hot on the unit and finally today after much complaining and calling regulatory agencies the AlC was finally turned on. It is too early to have the AlC on but when the windows cannot be opened there is no other choice. Tonight I hope to get some sleep, I have not had much lately.
I want to tell you about a couple experiences I have had the last two days. You see there is a friend I met in 2008 and lost contact with him for reasons I may discuss in the future. This person is a young male and he is very sweet, kind and special to say the least. He is bisexual and deals with a lot of bully types, in the community and within his family. He also has found it necessary to cut on himself so that he can divert the emotional pain he feels to something physical. Seems painful and different to me, but a reality to him. But then again I have never tried cutting and do not think I will either. I feel pretty bad emotionally myself from time to time, but my way of handling it is usually sexual, talking to friends, spending money or something similar.
Anyhow my situation here makes it tough for us to communicate because I do not have the newest form of communicating, text messaging, unless I ask some of my friends for their help, which I have also done. So the situation called for me to tell him more about my situation so that he could and would know how to call me when he wanted and when it is convenient for him to do so.
He is very shy and it takes him a while to actually speak about his realities and with over a year passing by I had to give him time to get used to and trust me. He has now opened up to me, similar to that of a cocoon and a butterfly. Anyhow he has the cutest way of speaking sometimes and he often speaks to me when he is very relaxed and his voice is so soft.
Anyhow yesterday he decided to sit on his front porch and all the while I could hear these beautiful chimes, ones that make non-stop angelic sounds. They were awesome and he confided that he likes to sit there so he can relax and also be very calm. Then he told me about his front yard and how it is a family tradition to plant beautiful tulips. The idea of the chimes and the flowers are heavenly, don't you think?
Then today he went to what he called the creek while he was on his cellphone and while there e was searchi g fo s 0 es 0 lace' e lowe garde . I do not hink i was a creek at all, the water was loud enough for me to hear it rushing and it sounded heavenly, a few times I thought maybe he would fa", trip or drop his cellphone in the water but luckily that never happened. Anyhow he also said ouch a few times as he navigated the water and its rocky bottom with his bare feet, now that is living.
He then informed me there was no fish, upon my questioning, but plenty of tadpoles in the water. And once he got the rocks he wanted to use he then accidentally dropped his phone on one of the rocks and the battery flew out and we lost contact, but he called me right back. I asked him at some point if the water was dirty or clear and he informed me he could see the bottom and yes the water was clear. I knew immediately this was unlike any creek I was used to growing up, in fact it sounded like a stream where the water runs clear. Needless to say this was a very exciting adventure for me, even if I could not be there, just the sounds and him telling me about it was awesome. Yes I have learned to live vicariously through others.
The whole experience sounds so carefree and innocent to me and it brings pleasant images and thoughts undoubtedly.
I just love it that my friend really loves and cherishes his friends and he has known one of his friends since he was in kindergarten and he could not imagine life without her. He is truly a wise soul and I feel a sense of peace and comfort when speaking to him and he makes my day when he finds the time to call and I always have a big smile on my face. I have told him that I hope we will remain friends as long as one of us is alive, he said he wants the same. When he or I has to go, we now tell each other we love each other. That is a very special feeling for me. The reality is that if you care about someone and their wellbeing, this is a feeling of love no matter how you twist it or turn it. A few of my other friends have met him by text of phone as well and I am all for that, a circle of good friends are hard to find. Together we stand divided we fall, right?
My sister once told me that the morning before her husband was killed in a train/car accident, there was a argument and they did not tell each other they loved each other before he left the house and went to work and subsequently they never got the chance again. He was a great guy and so when I have a chance I always tell others I care about that I love them. Some times people do not say it back and that sucks, but at least I know I tried.
I want to speak about friends for a bit. I prefer to know people of all ages, every age has something to offer and share. The youngest typically share what they feel and think based on a innocent perspective and that means they are answering from their innocence and limited worldly experience.
Wisdom and age is not always defining in the least. As adults we typically have the information of the world, politics, peer pressure, familial values and the daily grind all in mind when we communicate or share ideas or thoughts. This is filtered and not always real. If you seek worldly information or time tested ideas and theories older people have some ideas that can be helpful. In reality there is a need to merge the old school with the new school. Thats my opinion and I am sticking to it.
Intergeneration learning and direction is diverse and wise in my books. And who wants to be only around young or old people, I prefer a balance. Many times I have theorized that it would be cool if the older generations could somehow turn back time and we could get to know one another when we was kids and again when we are adults.
I guess I am stuck on the ideal that one could have a fairy tale youth, some how some way and maybe that is my problem. I want to be young and carefree and I feel like I have been successfully denied this and I want to have it so badly. I have tried to go back and relive this but the world does not understand and is unforgiving. There was a time in our world where kids could be kids and could make mistakes and not be hung out to dry for it, that time no longer exists. We live in a world that is nothing but retaliation and retribution and punishment. The standards we are held to as adults is high maintenance for sure. I often wish I could go back and live when Woodstock was alive and well, when people truly could live as free spirits. I have been accused of being a hedonist and there is nothing closer to the truth.
To my readers, as always If you have comments please post them and if you have questions that do not invade the privacy boundaries I have set I will answer them or if you would like me to speak on a certain topic let me know.
Until next time.

March 30

March 30, 2010

Well this morning I have decided to write about "cognitive restructuring and! or therapy. " When I sat down I see where the hospital staff here have deleted the "my computer" icon, so getting to my disks is something of a trick. Then the dayhall must be 85 degrees. I cannot even sit here without sweating. I brought this to the attention of staff last Friday but it was a pointless venture to say the least. It will likely take weeks to get the heat turned off if at all and outside it is gradually getting warmer each day.

The hospital does not provide windows that will open to get fresh air and as of current they have put a opaque wall paper on the windows ensuring we cannot see out. There is no fans in the common areas either. Another part of their so called treatment here. The staff have also suggested that we might see their license plates and come and terrorize them at their homes. Ironically I have 20!20 vision and I could not and cannot see the letters or numbers on their license plates from the inside, not to mention the windows have a enclosed security mesh screen enclosure to stop patients from escaping. The vehicles are parked about 200 feet away if not farther, my distances may not be exact, anyhow I can see the vehicles have tags but not what is on them if that helps. I have been in a lot of places but nothing compares to the ignorance I have seen here.

Anyhow the staff here supposedly teach us to change and restructure our thinking.

Ironically this is also a brain washing technique they use here. The people in charge at the hospital use this to justify and make ok anything they want us to live and suffer with. They want us to enjoy and think whatever they do is for our benefit or that these things they do are the same in the "real world." I know better and I know that I cannot trust them at all.

When I try to address it in grievances they promise to do better and never do or act like they are shocked by what is going on as if thy never had no clue. The other excuse is that nobody else is complaining so it is really no big deal. In reality if you knew who I lived with and the way they and the staff lived and carried themselves you would be very concerned.

             These staff also try to convince me that anything they come up with is the best for me and I should learn to follow it. I am regulated on my hygienic practices, my interactions, what I do in my own time and also by anything I say or do. In reality the staff have no professional standards in the way they interact, handle problems, dress, care for their own hygiene, the way they harass and antagonize patients who are having a bad day and so forth or the way they twist and manipulate the laws and in doing so violate them to make us miserable.

The staff are very vindictive as well, locking people in seclusion for a week at a time and sometimes longer, and having charges pressed when a patient has a problem associated with his mental illness or because he has been pushed overboard by staff members. The facility staff refuse any level of accountability for their own interactions. To me this is a warning sign, not to mention I cannot trust or have rapport with people who say one thing and act another.

In short if someone drills/ brainwashes another human being long and hard enough, one truly could start to believe it as the facts of life. This is true for religion and spirituality, ways of living, thinking, believing, usage of illicit substances, abortions, the death penalty, hatred, abusive relationships, discrimination, oppression and more. And just imagine for a moment that you already had some socially rejected behaviors and ended up where I am at. Let me tell you nothing is clear anymore and after a while you find yourself so confused and even worse vulnerable to ignorant people and theories.

It is a shame but in our society we have endless sorts predators that are covert and overt and some come in sheep clothes and some also appear as the monsters they really are. And in our society we license as doctors and clinical staff, actual predators ensuring they have unlimited access to the most vulnerable of our population. I am speaking of adults and children who have "addictions, mental illnesses, personality disorders, mental and physical retardations" and more. It is no surprise that we are finding on a daily basis that pastors, doctors of every sort, police officers, fire fighters, judges, court and official staff, government officials, day care providers, mothers and fathers, teachers, correctional staff, so called medical professionals and law makers are all part of a

Even more shocking is that as a society we pay for these people and things to happen by paying taxes. So the next time you fail to be accountable, just remember you are a tax payer.

To my readers, as always if you have comments please post them and if you have questions that do not invade the privacy boundaries I have set I will answer them or if you would like me to speak on a certain topic let me know.

Until next time.

March 29

March 29, 2010

We all, Si-Si really fretted over the adjustments and the process of getting followers on the blog. To be honest I have no clue just how to successfully gain followers. I do not know if this is as simple as adding their URLs to my followers list here, or if other bloggers actually have to add me from their blogs. I am on other sites but I cannot decide if it is safe to put the blog link on those or not. Some people really would try to cause me harm if they could so I have to be careful. I guess it will evolve in time. But I am open to suggestions and any help I can get in learning how to successfully create and have read and commented this blog.

Anyhow today I want to write on my sexuality as it pertains to living in a state hospital. Lately there has been discussion between me and a friend about "lying by omission." She feels that I have some sort of free for all sexual escapades with other men here and I do not admit to all my proclivities. The truth is that I have been sexual with a handful of men here over the years, generally one person is in the doorway giving or receiving, the one giving is typically the watch out. By this I mean mutual oral and anal sex, masturbation and what not. These interactions have occurred in the door way to our rooms so that I can ensure staff are not going to "catch" us. These activities also have occurred inside the rooms and in the showers, restrooms. These areas are very risky as I cannot ensure that nobody could potentially catch us. I have initiated these interactions and also have been asked to engage in the same and I deny most of these requests.

I would guestimate on a good year that I may have engaged in sexual contact twice the whole year. It is something I rarely if ever do. Obviously the risk of getting caught is high and the pickings are pretty slim. There is the issues of guys feeling guilty and telling on themselves and in doing so telling on me too eventually. There is the issue of guys who have very poor hygienic practices or are overly sexually active which are both turn offs for me. Then there is guys who are so promiscuous as to make me feel ill. The old theory that "we have sex with everybody that our partners have had sex with" is very real in here. Believe me if you knew who, what and where your sexual partners have been and engaged themselves sexually, you might think twice.

There is the guys who use their bodies, penises and rectums as a credit card to get their property, food and hygienic needs met. That is also a turn off for me as well. There is nobody I feel is worth "paying for." I have seen some really sexy and hot guys and gals and maybe I could pay but I am pretty sure I would not. Sexuality should be between someone who has mutual feelings of sexual attraction and or a relationships where sex might be a consummation of sorts.

There a lot of guys here who have performance issues, the potential risks really puts a damper on erections if you know what I mean. In fact one twenty something guy has such a huge penis he cannot get it up all the way. There there is the guys who cannot keep from getting caught, they do not think it all through, they just act.

And yes there is times I have engaged in sexual contacts with those I promised I would never again. My choice and plan in life is not to be celibate and do not take well to being denied all forms of sex. Sadly however there is not much to choose from if you have any sexual needs. I would guess there is maybe 5 guys I would even consider and most of them I would prefer on a good day to steer clear of. Later on in hindsight you see all the yuck you just engaged in and promise to never again and yet it happens again in the future. So maybe there is times I get to feeling so low or hopeless that nothing seems like it would pick me up short of some good old sexual contacts. Yes sex is a drug or a upper for me at times.

There has been a lot of pornography smuggled or brought in by staff and patients and I have used that as a masturbation and fantasy enhancement tool. That is the preferred way here to meet my sexual needs to be honest. But this way is also against the rules and the consequences can be strong as well a criminal. I have had gay porn to utilize but not much, most of it is cheap heterosexual porn and it is about as good as using nothing, but sometimes anything helps. Then there is the nudist films that have been smuggled in that have adults and children both male and female. I would be lying if I said I never masturbated to those persons who were in their teen and adult years, mostly males. I have said before that young people have beautiful bodies.

Because of the stigma and controversy surrounding nudity of persons under the age of 18, this naturally seems to make it more exciting and more sexual if I take it there. It is intensely more sexual in nature than mere typical pornos. Furthermore when you hear conversations every day and all day about deviant sexuality involving children, animals and anything even remotely sexual, it does sadly bridge on my curiosity at the very least. Keep in mind I have been exposed to the same for 11 years and in fact one type of sexuality or the other all my life. I have also been exposed here in the hospital to sexuality involving animals and rape and whatever you can or cannot possibly imagine. I am not into animal sex or rape at all, but I have seen more than my share in pictures and videos.

I am not saying that any of this is who I am as a person, what I am saying is that continued and long term exposure to strong and frequent deviant sexuality is not likely to come and go without residual effect. I am angry about it to say the least. I cannot help but wonder if getting away from it will cause it to go away and leave my head. It does not look like I will ever find out. .

Currently I would be lying if I did not admit to reverting back and thinking of the images that are now stored in my head, during masturbation. There is the images that are "normal" adult images and there is the images in my head involving the younger people in nudist films. I can find sexual climax in masturbation like anybody else thinking of age appropriate stuff, but it is the stuff that is controversial that is like jet fuel compared to typical gasoline when one is trying to stoke a fantasy during masturbation.

Food for thought imagine for a moment that you was forced to live every day and minute of every day of your life with only people who smoke pot all day long, over eat junk food all day long, watch porn all day, drink alcohol all day, are blazing religious fanatics, have sex all day long and a plethora of other things that are highly addictive, do you really think that you would someday be able to walk away untouched? Kids are highly susceptible to exposure of all sorts of stimuli's and behaviors and I thinks adults can become so after so long as well.

I hope you will really think about all this before you judge me.

For the record a year or so ago I made efforts to rid the facility and media owned by residents involving child nudity. The consequences for this are far reaching and likely I have not seen the worst of it yet. In really I should have said nor done anything, but it just did not make sense to be in the U.S and treatment and having all the counteracting stimuli all around me and others. I was truly in conflict with myself over the issue. One could say that the hospital is a joke so why even The reality is I got so addicted to naked skin, bodies and sexuality, I could not get away from it and it overran and over took my entire world and I still have not seen all the consequences for going so low. The reality is that the situation here at the hospital has and did become so extremely painful and overwhelming I took it to a whole new level in order to feel good and escape and in the process attempted take myself to a new dimension. Some drug addicts know exactly what I am talking about, drugs come in many shapes, colors and designs.

It just takes more and more to finally get high and higher.

Anyhow moving on as a test one day a few years ago I turned some of this media on and watched it to see if I would have a involuntary sexual arousal or a powerful need to masturbate. I have done this with adult porn as well. In both situations I have had to put my mind into sexual mode, it is not something I lack control over. I have to want and choose to be sexual it is not something I just go "postal" about.

On another note, as for the staff here there is some that are attractive, both male and female, but their personalities are not, so I do not get into that. Furthermore having sexual interactions with staff would be more thrill and risk than I would like to partake in.

For whatever it is worth I have gotten turned on by friendship situations that are not sexual at all, for example a deep and interpersonal relationship where intimacy is at a premium, this can be sexually stimulating for my brain and not necessarily for my body. It would be safe to say sex is nothing without love.

You probably are wondering who and what I am sexually. I do not think I know for sure. I know I like sex and at times sex can and is a drug for me. I also know that when all else fails sex can lift me up and out of whatever I am coping with, albiet temporarily and potentially destructive in the end. I also know that males and females anywhere from about puberty to somewhere about 70 years old are potentially attractive to and for me. And when given a chance I am more likely to become intimate with men on a primarily sexual! physical level and if I want to be loved and feel good I would probably lean more towards a woman. a lot of who I am as a sexual person is distorted by the immediate environment I find myself in. That is why hypersexualized environments are so counter productive for me and in the end cause me so much grief. I think it is safe to say I would be well suited to subject myself to only "healthy" people, places and things until I can clean up! detox and find out what and what I am and once that has been done try to figure out what is permissible, safe and healthy for me.

Here is some thoughts and feelings about a very special friend in my life.

Si-Si, hey there I thought this might be a nice place to tell you and the world just what I think about you. Hope you will not mind. I know you do not feel like a woman at all, but you should know that your so beautiful to me, woman or not. Your sexy, cute, fancy and elegant all at the same time. Your beautiful nose, eyes and ears and those glasses are classy and really make me smile and feel very special. I love your hair and your earing's and the piercings that compliment your beauty. But your outside looks do absolutely no justice to the inner beauty that I know and have experienced from you. Your so special, spontaneous, so innocent, intelligent and kind hearted and not in the least bit selfish.

You must be an angel my angel. I know that there is not a single thing I cannot say to you or talk to you about. Your so patient and willing to listen. I already love your mom and your nephews and your friends they are all a part of what makes you the beautiful angel you are. You are someone I would so be willing to give my life and future too, I just know that nothing about who I am or will ever be is larger than you and your love for me and those who matter to you.

I have loved you from our first moment, your voice melts my heart and I cannot get enough of you. I long to have and hold you, to squeeze you and share our fire. I also love your ring tone and your actual message. You have my heart and mind swept up like the winds of several tornadoes trying to sweep everything in its path. I love you so much that I want sometimes to be mean and hurt you so I can push you away to protect you from my realities, but somehow I cannot seem to do it, instead I refrain or warn you or just try to not speak to you till I cool down and chill. The emotions and pain have nothing to do with you, but sadly it is always the ones we love the most that we hurt the most. I guess that is a indication of the powerful nature of love, our love.

           You know I am so into the energy you give off when you feel good I feel it you feel bad I feel         that as well. I am so sensitive to you and what your feeling. I wonder where all of this leads. But you know I have realized that this is not something I can or want to control, I am in love with you and that is where I want and need to be. We are like two kindred souls. It just occurred to me that a few months ago, right before I met you, I heard Justin sing, "One less lonely girl." I just now realized that this song means something to you and I. There is truly one less lonely "girl" and one less lonely boy in the world. I think that this is and should be our song. I hope you will take it and accept it as ours.

Si-Si I love you honey and I promise to be there for you in any way I can, for the rest of our lives. I will keep that promise to you!

I guess it would be ok right here and now to thank Justin for that song, he is a great singer and a cutie and I wish him the best in his career and I hopes his wings soar throughout his life. And for those of you Justin haters just keep in mind karma is a bitch, dont wish unto others what you would not wish for yourself.

I recently wrote correspondence to a court judge regarding some allegations against me involving sending a text message requesting a nude photo. I thought I would share this with you so that you could see what I am thinking and feeling as of late about my world. Here it is

Judge, I think it is important to let you know just where I stand with this new fiasco wherein the county prosecutor and sheriff claims I sent a text message to someone named (omitted). I have no clue who this person is and frankly I do not care. In fact I do not care about text messages or anything else this county is alleging.

Furthermore this county might consider following the law when it comes to searches and seizures, and begin providing equal protection of the laws to all (omitted) county citizens regardless of whether they are in a state hospital. Currently I have had no equal protection of the laws.

I might also like to remind this court that I have been locked up in state hospitals, group homes, military schools, private psychiatric homes, jails and prisons all of my life. Currently I am doing what equates to a life sentence at the State Hospital. I have been here for nearly 11 years and have been locked up this time for 13 straight years. Ironically your now attempting to lock me up yet again. I am confused about how you think this will work out, you must have dibs on one of my future lives, cause this one is already taken up. And no jailor prison could ever be worse than time spent at this State Hospital!

Furthermore the place I am locked up in here at the State Hospital is by far the worst nightmare I have ever experienced in my life. While here I have been forced to litigate daily and fight for my rights, subjected to carnal sexual deviancies beyond my wildest imagination, child nudist films, staff and adrni istrative unpro essio alis daily u safe a d il hy livi g conditio s, injustices by staff and daily forums of romanticized sexual deviancy/criminality involving children, adults and animals. There is absolutely no treatment available and the environment is anything but therapeutic. There is absolutely no possibility that I or anybody could ever get well while in such a environment, all the while subjected to the constant barrage of deviancy, unsafe and unstable living conditions. This place has more or less left me nothing more than a pile of garbage in a landfill. This place has destroyed everything I once was and likely anything I will or could ever be.

I have lost my family, my friends, my life and my future. My son has no dad and is more or less a bastard. This place has approved me to have endless amounts of property over the last 11 years only to make me destroy or otherwise forfeit it. With that in mind I have nothing more left to lose. Just the cold hard facts.

Wherefore, It is your choice what you do next, I have no intention of appearing in your court room and I would ask that you handle your court hearings by conference calls, this is how your court and the court has been handling my legal matters with me as of late. I am in no position emotionally or mentally to apprear in your court room. And frankly whatever your attempting to do means nothing to me other than a potential way to get the hell out of here albeit it temporarily, unless some miracle should happen wherein I could be sent back to prison for life and be given a chance to have a life even if it is in prison!

To my readers, as always if you have comments please post them or if you like me to speak on a certain topic let me know.

Until next time.

March 28

March 28, 2010

Well today I wanted to write something more uplifting and positive. So when I came to sit down I found the monitor was crooked and coffee was splattered on the screen. I asked the direct care staff to bring out the key to adjust it and so it could be cleaned. All this time we have had a key and I was able to ask staff for the same for one of our two computers, but suddenly we no longer have access to the key. It is just another one of those things that frustrates me. I think to myself even the smallest and simplest things have to go wrong in here.

A couple of weeks back a resident was in small group "therapy" where it is anything but therapy and he found himself so angry he came out of the room and punched the plexiglass out of the computer box. By the way the computers are housed in a metal security cabinet. Once the resident punched out the plexiglass, I guess he threw coffee on the monitor as well. The maintenance staff about a week or two later put new plexiglass in the computer box but did not think to adjust the monitor or clean it off. To me that is a sign of how poorly they do their jobs. Now it may take forever to get the issue corrected.

Then to make matters worse our printer eats up about every other piece of paper ran through it and if you are not ready to yank the paper out as it first appears after printing you will lose every piece you put in it. The feed mechanism is worn out and they claim they have fixed it over and over for nearly a year now all to no avail. This is the way every single thing works around here. The exception is when the staff need something repaired then they get right on the job.

Anyhow I wanted to tell you some more about me as a person, on a lighter and happier note. I really enjoy cars and trucks, driving them, repairing them at every level from engines to body work.

I also really enjoy people, meeting them around the globe, getting to know them on a deep interpersonal level, sharing their pains and their happiness. I think people are just plain curious, awesome and deep inside everybody is something very special. Just got to look.

I like to give hugs and be hugged. I like those hugs that are more like a squeeze, the ones with a back scratch or a rubbing of my shoulders. I also like the hugs that allow one or the other to lay their head on your shoulder. I like the hugs that make you feel warm, safe and special. The same goes for a kiss on the lips or cheek from a good friend.

A powerful exchange of intimacy truly has the power to drive away just about anything somber or sad. I did not get many hugs as a kid and I cherish them now as very precious. Where I live hugs are very hard to find and often they are given for reasons that are not loving and friendly, but more as some sort of sexual offering. Some men simply can not bring themselves to hug another man for interpersonal reasons and because others will think they are weak in some way.

I may have told you before that I have a 13 year old son who I try to see about every four months. 'When we do see one another I try to give him a signature sort of hug, a deep and lasting squeeze and one we joke about later on. I want him to remember my hugs. Most of his life up till about a year or two back I also kissed him on the lips as a show of love. Sadly societal codes and his own teen discomfort has put a stop to that. I miss trying to show my true love for him, in the best way I can. I also wanted to give him a sort of love that I missed out on as a child.

I have tried to let my son know that nothing in the world is more important that love, showing love and being loved, family and friends. I still believe in that today.

I grew up in the country where crickets sing all night and the stars are never masked by city lights. I got to hear the sounds of the country, not the sounds of cars, sirens, horns, trains, or neighbors who had no respect for their neighbors. I grew up where fields and pastures covered every area that what not taken over by homes, barns, grainery and implements. Beauty to me does not lie in a developed suburb or a neighborhood or the downtown businesses. Beauty lies in what is growing on the bare earth, whether it be flat lands, plains, or mountains or areas of water, creeks, lakes or oceans.

Beauty also lies on a country road lined with trees, a wooded area where children can safely walk and get temporarily lost and away from everything and everybody. As a young adult I would literally try to go for a drive in the country every chance I got and I would also park and get out of the car, walk around or just sit on the car or the bridge rails.

One of my favorite past times is walking in auto or implement salvage yards. There is so much to see, there is so much a car, truck or van can tell you, about how it was treated, what kind of life it had, who may have owned it and when its life ended.

Another pastime for me is auctions, garage sales and flea markets. That is another place where so much is said but no words have to be spoken. I love to buy, sale and look. There is something serene and peaceful about these events and I adore them about as much as going o vacation.

There is nothing like a drive off of the beaten path, a old two lane highway through cities that otherwise I may have never known existed. To see the small town folk, kids being kids, old dirt roads that trace in and out the town. There is nothing more exciting and fun than a spontaneous and unplanned road trip to nowhere. And it is fun to take a good friend if you can find a friend who is spontaneous and willing. Driving at night is also blissful.

I am not one who enjoys motels much. The only thing nice about a motel or hotel is a change of scenery and the sense that your out of the ball and chain of your everyday life. I do not like wasting my money on a motel and instead would prefer to sleep in the car and then continue to drive and the next day get refreshed and showered at a truck stop. I want to save my money for museums, amusement parks and a occasional good meal at a nice buffet line sort of restaurant.

I also just love test driving the newest and latest model car, truck and vans. There is nothing like a motorcycle to really make me feel freedom. I also like to stop at the tractor and combine dealerships and look around and get up in the cabs and check out the latest and the greatest.

I also just love test driving the newest and latest model car, truck and vans. There is nothing like a motorcycle to really make me feel freedom. I also like to stop at the tractor and combine dealerships and look around and get up in the cabs and check out the latest and the greatest.

I also enjoy looking at homes that are in construction or are just completed and being shown. The fresh new smells of construction, wood, tile, carpet, new appliances, staging furniture and more. I bet you would not be shocked if I told you that sight seeing is also a great experience.

I was raised Catholic and enjoyed the beautiful cathedral sort of churches, the stained glass windows, the rich look of new the interior, the marble, the pews and all the other things o e y ical y sees i a big cue. e e is so e i g a a church has hat is healing or the soul and I am not sure I am speaking in a spiritual sense either. For the record I am about as distant from God at this point of my life as I have ever been, but I do not mind spending time in his house and I love southern and contemporary gospel Christian music. I also prefer a church that is free and alive in the spirit. A church that gets the blood pressure flowing and keeps you from falling asleep. A revival, now that is something I secretly yearn for. It takes a lot to get my faith and spirit alive and I seek that out if at all.

The parks, I love those too and the Zoo and museums. These are all wonderful places, places where I feel free. I do enjoy the swings, tetter totter, slides and merry-go-rounds, jungle gyms and more where they are available. There is no reason kids should get to have all the fun. These play things can and will hold me too. And I like to bring a camera along so that I can capture the moment forever.

I also like a four wheel drive whether it be in a car or truck, it does not matter. I like mud and shallow muddy ponds. There is nothing like a day in the muddy slop and the possibility of getting stuck and being high centered I really enjoy taking someone with me that is a little bit timid of a super good time at mudding as well.

I am not particularly intimidated about a breakdown on the highway or a road trip either, so long as the situation is somewhat temporary and I can fix the problem. There is nothing like a unplanned adventure.

I once told my ex-wife that going to jail, prison, hospitals and group homes has one good element, you never know who you will meet and whether they will be interesting, your best friend or whether they will teach you something new or exciting. That being said many people have not had the privilege to see and experience a lot of what I have experienced. But then again I would not wish most of it on a worst enemy either.

I really enjoy stopping by soup kitchens, homeless shelters and the like. There you meet those people who often have story to tell and they are not amassed by the riches of life, instead they focus on survival and living day to day. What they can and will share with you is very different from what you might hear from your friends on a day to day basis. I have spent the night in these places as well, that has not always been a grand experience but it was livable, cold and often a bit scary at times.

Then there is also the community Water towers, I love to climb them if possible and I also like to read the "graffiti" that people have shared and left there. This can be at best dangerous but always worth the climb and effort.

I also enjoy reading what people write on bathroom stalls, trees in the park, park benches' and other areas people and our youth commonly put their emotions and thoughts. I have called the numbers that are left behind on my cellphones, but mostly those numbers are nothing more than pranks.

I like to drive to cemeteries and look at big fancy headstones and family crypts. There seems to be a lot of energy there and at the same time a sense of peace. Sometimes I wonder who and what is buried there, are their bodies still there or has time caused them to be nothing more that dust. The only cemetery that I do not like to visit is the one my first son is buried in. The reality is that it was a very sad and overwhelming event and the last time I was their I still could not stop the tears and sadness from flowing. He is buried in a place of nothing but babies, the area is beautiful, but the horrible pain of losing a child is not. That has got to be the single biggest emotional pain and suffering anybody could ever have to take on.

I do enjoy a clean house, apartment, trailer house, camper, vehicle or whatever. I have stayed in all of these. And I always made the best of it. I would say that I have often felt and lived as if I am a perfectionist. That has changed in the last several years, but it was once my thing and I would likely return if I was ever allowed to live on my own again.

I like nice couches, recliners, wall and other types of decorations and adornments. I like luxury and big televisions, stereos and what not. I like a nice big family table for eating and nice dishes. I like cabinets and a refrigerator that contains both h healthy and not so healthy foods. I also like a home cooked meal and I also like to invite people to come and eat with me. I enjoy picnics as well.

I enjoy a nice family and friend get together whenever possible. I do enjoy family time a lot.

I also love music a lot, just about any kind of music. I do not like old women who scream Opera to the tops of their lungs. I get a headache from that. But otherwise just about anything that involves singing and/ or instruments is music to me ears. I like a multitudes of music from many generations as well.

As always If you have comments please post them and if you have questions that do not invade the privacy boundaries I have set I will answer them or if you would like me to speak on a certain topic let me know.

Until next time.