March 27 2010

March 27, 2010

Well last night I had a clash with the person who posts these blogs for me. It goes without saying that this site is not very user friendly. Finding a direct upload address was not easily found in the help menu and subscribing to other blogs appears to be a nightmare as well.

I had to ask someone 1500 miles away to help me help search the page for the needed upload address.

And it seems that one must copy and paste the URL of the potential blogs I might want to follow, which is time consuming at best. Why not just allow people to click on the blogs we want to follow and move on, and pick more blogs and so on.

When we must count on others to help us and these sites that are not user friendly, this really causes problems. In short it took about 90 minutes to learn how to do all of the following; OCR, save the document and then figure out what format it had to be in so that I could get it posted. After a great deal of trial and error we finally found that the best way was to OCR, save as a word document and then send it to my email which I guess must have converted it to "XML," and then finally it could be copied and pasted directly from the email to the blog.

Why does a person have to be a rocket scientist to use these sites. It pisses me off and in the end the person helping me feels used and is feeling like it is too much work in the first place. For the record I absolutely hate and despise the idea of using anybody.

Anyhow as we struggled to figure out all of this crap, the person helping me got more and more angry and less patient and all my time was virtually wasted on trying to figure out how to use this damn site.

Then of course there is 400 million possible blogs to subscribe to and not to mention the difficulty encountered in subscribing to each of them. My friend was rapidly getting more and more pissed off. Searching exactly for who and what I want to subscribe to is another nightmare as well.

The blogs out there, who knows which ones are common to what I am trying to communicate, express and accomplish. Some of the blogs seem institutional but from a care giver point of view and that is not what I want because, they appear in many cases to be the problem rather than the cure.

What I am looking for is people who know there is a problem and are advocating for change and need evidence of these type of facts. I also am seeking out those who can sympathize with what it is that I am going through and maybe they can find some enlightenment for their own darkness. I also seek to have some mutual discussion about these issues, thinking maybe this would be supportive to my own recovery or maybe I mean stability. I might even make friends and that would be great as well.

Anyhow all of the above caused conflict and intense anger between me and the person helping me with the blog. This person I have know for 26 years plus. I think she knows me pretty good at times and not so much at others. This is one of those times she seems not to know me.

My friend wants the best for me and thinks that somehow some way I should be able to rise completely above my environment(s) and interpersonal circumstances. From my point of view she is telling me to live in a real life drug ridden, sex infested, criminal and corruption ridden whore house/commune and I am in no way shape or form should be affected by the realities I am forced to live in.

Keep in mind that my head and mind is potentially so left of center I am not so sure what is right or wrong anymore. It is a natural process of conversion after so long to believe what is taught and adhered to in our individual worlds. My reality is different than the reality of most so called "normal" people. This particular time I have been exposed to these realities for 11 years. Most people in the real world take for granted that they can usually change their circumstances to one degree or the next, I cannot. I have two, maybe three choices, I can live here forever or do something to go to prison (which I may have done) or I can kill myself. Escape is not the option as I can not imagine being on the run or being paranoid and trying to live. With the way things are going on in our world my only possibility of freedom is the state going broke, a legal loop hole or a world war, I guess.

Even if I could rise above everything in my solitary segregated world, what would it be for? What or how do I benefit? In places like this you either fit in or you are daily "driven" with harassment, hazing, threats and potential assaults and maybe even death, depending who fears you the most. Ever heard the old saying "when in Rome do as the Romans do." In jails and prison you fit in or you die or wish you were dead, that is the only available option.

Most people who lead lawful and successful lives typically have reasons for doing so, maybe its for possessions, face or "Jones" value, family, kids, the heritage or family name, religiosity, staying out of jailor prison and a plethora of other reasons. But what if all those things you strive for were yanked out from under you and you had nothing to work or fight for? Then what do you do? Now you can see what I am facing.

My life is over and has been over long since it began. Thus the reason for the name "1974nightmare."

You see my parents have abandoned me for prestige and money and the fact that I am not their idea of the perfect son. So called healthy and productive people want nothing to do with me. Christians/sinners are better than me. God has seemingly abandoned me all of my life, is there is a god. My marriage failed, my son basically has no dad. The government and society lives in so much fear so there is laws that plague people like me ensuring that I never have a chance to live free again as our Constitution appears to promise.

No matter what I do I am marked and I would live imprisoned even if I was free. The things I enjoy the most have been outlawed for me, but it would not otherwise be against the law to enjoy them.

The world and our young people seem to not value people anymore. What is valued is selfishness, victim stancing, the Internet and gaming consoles. Why would I want to fight to rejoin these type of people.

Is it ironic the world is a sick place and yet the world condemns me for also being different. Then I hate to mention those in society who must be forced to live out dual and triple lives to save themselves from oppression and stigmatizing.

The world and society must label everybody and everybody must have a label.

Everything must be in a tight little square box or else we would be in total disarray. The reality is that these labels do nothing more than destroy those who are labeled.

Nobody knows me and they never will. Furthermore do we even really know each other or ourselves. How can anybody know what we are or are not when our world has these historical beliefs and views about anything and everything. Who ever validated these time held viewpoints, opinions and beliefs. That is right nobody with real enlightenment did. It is plain wrong, plainly wrong! Many times in history we have looked back in disgrace over the things we have done. What will be next shameful discovery about our actions?

I just watched a PBS documentary on Dr. Freeman the other day. Wow, in the 30s, 40s and 50's we treated "mental illness" with a icepick and a hammer to the brain. The show has actual photographs of kids as young as four and people of all ages getting hammer beaten ice picks to their brains. Yet nudity of adults and children in photographs is obscene and considered pornographic. What the hell.

Anyhow that Dr. Freeman dude was out there, what a sick creep. Destroy the brain, call it a lobotomy and that is going helping someone. And we as a society licensed that sort of activity. Yes history repeats itself, but when it does it is always in some way more morbid than the last. That is exactly what I have to fear and live with.

And to think I am only 35 years old. I may live to be 100 and let me tell you I cannot

imagine and do not want to see the realities I will see and be exposed to. Most people consider a long life a great achievement, I do not. To be honest if I ever become terminally ill, I have no intentions of stopping that natural process. Who in their right might would want to prolong their lives to see us destroy our own.

I have often wondered what it would be like to sit of the top of the world and look down and see the ant like creatures and their creations and watch the populations quite literally destroy themselves. That is just what we do as a world. And we pay good money to do it, which is why our world is in the midst of a financial nightmare. Would it be wrong to sit back and laugh. I hope not because it is humorous, what else can one do but laugh. One or two people cannot reverse what we are predetermining for ourselves.

I recall in ''The Terminator" movie, the main actors, the boy and the terminator were at a gas station and two little boys were playing nearby with guns and the boy says, "we are not going to make it are we." These producers have a lot more enlightenment that we give them credit for. We cannot even see what we are doing to ourselves, we may have a hold on developing technology that may be the death of us, but beyond that we remain blind.

Anyhow I guess it goes without saying I am one of the lost. I am trying to figure out some way to change this pattern for some one else. Just because I am lost does not mean everybody has to be. Thus the purpose of this blog and the book I am writing with the help of a ghost writer about my life.

My friend who is helping me publish this blog told me this blog is "bull." If the blog is bull so is the book. Both are a written portrayal of my life and my world. Those comments are at best hurtful and I have told her so.

My friend is scared to death of the Internet, because of spam bots, search-able written and never deleted web content, filth, perversion, the government, porn, and the people who may have fake or real alter egos and personalities. She does not trust it at all, and I am not saying she is wrong. But anytime I ask her to do anything she gives me tremendous flack and lets me know loud and clear how much she hates it. I find myself wondering what I am supposed to do in situations like this.

Should I just give up and go silent or should I keep trying to change the pattern and expose the realities. The Internet is the best and cheapest avenue for speaking out, what can I say? Some people think I may be unable to take no for a answer. The reality is I want to give it my best shot and then if I am told no, I can and will except it. But just giving up is contrary to my personality.

Once again I feel I am misunderstood. Most people do not know what they are saying when they claim they are being controlled or have no choice in something they are doing or have been asked to do. One has to think what is the consequences of saying no? Would saying no cause you to be hurt or killed and what exactly is the consequences of the loss. Maybe a person who has been actually raped and or murdered can tell you the difference between being forced and not having a choice.

The places I am or have been in do not allow for choices either, when all else fails they will bring in unlimited amounts of beefy reinforcements, forced injections/medications, bodily restraints and restraint chairs and seclusion. They will force you to do whatever they want. And if you fight back they will hurt you in anyway they can, subtle or not and later will try to have you prosecuted.

Believe me It is not like the movies where someone is a master at martial arts and can take down anybody and everything that stands in their way. Thanks to Hollywood we are even more distorted than we realize. It would not be bad if we could easily separate what is real and what is not. Keep that in mind the next time you feel forced to do something and or you feel your being controlled. If you have any choices at all, you have more than I and others have had or have currently.

Many times staff are there listening and engaging the conversations and telling their own war stories. It does no good to say anything about it or to complain or tell someone outside of the facility because nobody cares. I have had to learn to file lawsuits and that does not help either, nobody, not even the courts of government officials care.

We" I probably said too much here but I want to be honest and truth full. Keep in mind a third party may feel the need to censor this before it is posted.

As always If you have comments please post them and if you have questions that do not invade the privacy boundaries I have set I will answer them or if you would like me to speak on a certain topic let me know.

Until next time.