March 24 2010

March 24, 2010

Hello to everyone who has found themselves reading this blog. I hope you have a strong stomach or should I say mental foundation. We live in the millennium and in the United States but that does not mean our culture or society has become anymore humane, especially where I live.

I will not be disclosing my full name, my actual location or the mental hospital I find myself located at. I am pretty sure that someone will manage to figure it out, even though it will not be of benefit. I am not sure how my actual name and or my location would be in any way important to you anyhow. I have to shield myself from hospital facilitators and my own family because they want me to be silenced plain and simple. With that being said I will tell you as much as I dare about me and my life, here in this blog.

I do hope that you will feel free to make comments and ask me questions, irregardless of what they are. I will be honest so long as it does not encroach on the privacy that I am entitling myself too. Every part of this blog is being done by a third party, I will type or write what I have to say and it will then be transcribed or scanned into the computer and placed in this blog and any comments will be read to me and I will reply and it will then be placed on the blog via a third party.

Anyhow my name is Mark, I am 35 years old and I have been locked away in state hospitals, children’s homes, group homes, juvenile shelters, a military school, prisons, jails and private psychiatric facilities more or less all of my life beginning when I was only 5 years old back in 1980. I have also been on just about every anti-psychotic in the “Physicians Desk Reference.” I luckily am not longer medicated but the damages caused are beyond my own realizations.

I look pretty average, I am 5 foot, 11 inches tall, and about 200 pounds or more last time I checked. I have brown hair and brown eyes and my hair is thinning quickly on the top of my head. I am pretty clean cut and dress well and if I was hanging out with you you would not know what I am about to tell you, about me.

I was born with severe “Attention Deficit and Hyperactivity Disorder.’ Because of this I found it impossible as a young man to stay out of trouble, sit still and learn and my parents were besides themselves and I found myself sent away. My parents seen me as a demon child, when in reality I was not anything of the sort, my energy and my inability to sit still and stay out of trouble was larger than me. My parents treated me as if I was a bad child and their handling of my was physically and psychologically abusive to say the least.

I have written a manuscript about my life and it is in the process of being ghost written as we speak and will hopefully become published. In the mean time I will give you a deeper glimpse of my life.

For your information, I have been labeled many things in my life by others and the government, and some of these are, mentally ill, mentally retarded, trouble maker, sexual addict, sexual abuser, the victimized, a parent, a husband, troubled child, a loser, a pedophile, a lost cause, hyperactive, gay, straight, bisexual, pervert and many other things that are true, not true and are plausible or just plain societal labels.

I am in fact gay! bisexual or something in between, I am curious to a fault and have very limited sexual boundaries. I do not deal well with tremendous stress, frustration and hurt or what we might call abuse. I am divorced and have two sons one that died when he was born and one that is now 13. I have never lived with my son and have been locked away 13 years this time and my last sense of freedom only lasted about 4 years and before that I was locked up on and off in a state mental hospital from the time I was 12 till I was 18.

While in these places I found myself over medicated and more or less a lost cause, probably what we call in this society sexually abused, sexually exposed and/or exploited by other troubled kids. I also found myself tied to beds and locked into seclusion rooms for days and weeks at a time. I was a zombie.

At about age 15 I largely had grown out of the “Attention Deficit and Hyperactivity Disorder(s)! issues. I also thought my sexuality was normal and little did I know it would lead to my ultimate demise and total ruin of my future. You see I learned that all my emotional and physical needs was to be met by sexual contact, sexual contact that had no boundaries.

I gained love, affection, acceptance and all my feel good feelings by getting sex. And it was not till I found myself in legal trouble that I realized that I could not have sex with anybody who said they were willing so long as it did not involve rape or force. Nope in the “real world there is rules and regulations and laws that dictate what is legal and what is not, and these rules were and are very different than what I was raised and ingrained with. These rules of civilized society make no sense to me at all, as they pertain to my particular situation and actions.

Even worse when you get locked up in jails, prisons and state hospitals, these environments all reek of perversion, deviancy, sex, drugs and corruption. If anything I find that I have gotten 100 times worse than I was when I first got in legal trouble. Now I truly see myself as a lost cause as I have now been exposed to carnal deviancies that are beyond anything I could have ever imagined. Once certain doors are opened, they are all but impossible to ever get closed again. Further more it is hard for people to take showers in dirty water and also expect to get clean in the process.

I plan to write here on a weekly basis maybe more depending on who might wish to help me do so.