March 26, 2010
Well it is time to speak out yet again and tell you more about my life and world. This week has been rather interesting again. A few days ago I was informed that I would be prosecuted for allegedly sending a text message to someone I do not even know and allegedly asking for a nude photo. I am now looking at prison time anywhere from 27 to 31 months. Oddly enough at this time in my life I no longer care and have no real ill feelings about it other than it is just something more to get done and past. In fact this may be my ticket out of this new age concentration camp I now live in albeit temporary.
Prison is not like most people see on television shows. On television they concentrate on all the worst possible events and put them on for drama and sensational purposes. Prison in the state where I reside allows inmates to have jobs, counseling services, educational services, needed medical services and a life within the prison system. There is church, and endless indoor and outdoor activities for inmates to engage in. The visitation is excellent as well. I have been there before and I would rather be there. If I combined all the bad that ever happened there in 2 years, it does not equate to one bad week here. This place is a nightmare every day. I wake up worrying and go to bed worrying.
Figure like this, this place is like a jail, we are locked in and cannot ever leave. Prison is the same as well. But here there is endless amounts of staffing that are low life people who have more problems than we do as patients and they are playing "house" with our lives each and every day. They are trying to mentally masturbate our brains, trying to convince us our realties are distorted and that whatever we think and feel is a "cognitive distortion". There is no stability, or structure that one can learn and follow. Everything and everybody is subject to change ever moment of every day at the convenience of staff.
These same people refuse to follow any laws that would benefit us or help make our stay here easier, humane or comfortable. They preach one thing and their behaviors are exhibiting the exact opposite. Let me give you some of the more memorable moments here over the last 11 years.
The rules change every day and are only enforced at staff convenience. Staff regularly engages in sexual and other inappropriate relationships with patients, they also bring alcohol, drugs and porno media forms in to the patients. Staff lies constantly and most of them work here either because they are family of the administration, could not get a job elsewhere, or because something traumatic happened to them in their past and they want to get back at us.
Many of the staff have rotten teeth, do not bathe and or wash their clothes, many of them are out of physical shape and are on a plethora of mood medications. Many of these admit to tremendous pasts wherein they were lawless and trouble makers. I have also been approved in writing to buy and possess about 25K worth of personal property over the last 11 years, only to have it taken away, given back damaged and or told I never had approval for it and then I have been ordered to forfeit it, send it out or have it destroyed. These items were bought so that I could better cope with a lifetime in a state hospital. They were bought by friends and family who have now abandoned me and they were at times bought with my own funds. All of it is now more or less meaningless to me. It does not take long for a person to lose all hope and focus and just not care anymore.
There is also patients here who have with the help of negligence by staff, obtained endless amounts of child nudist films and other sexually perverse media. Hundreds of films that showcase more or less naked boys and girls in gymnastic and other mainstream but nude physical activities that clearly display their bodies and genitalia so that the viewer can see and nothing is left to ones imagination. These films last anywhere from 60-90 minutes each and some of them had no adults in them at all. These films are copied and then distributed from patients to patients for outrageous prices.
These same films however are legally sold in the United States and they are sold over the counter by legal vendors. The highest court in the land has repeatedly reviewed these and stated that are legal because they are not sexual in nature. I am not saying there is anything wrong with nudity for any age. What I am saying is that many patients here have sexual and other addictions and these things are no conducive to changing and living a good healthy and productive life. Not to mention that as with any drug, the need and the amount to meet ones addictive needs is a never ending abyss. It you get used to pot, then, you want something stronger like heroin and on and on. The same is true for sexual addictions, it may be porno magazines one minute, Internet porn the next, compulsive masturbation, exhibitionism or voyeurism the next, prostitutes after that, then rape or pressuring some to have sex with you, then maybe something sexual with a person underage, animals and or so on. Each one of these things get you deeper and deeper into your addiction and hopelessness and they leave you all alone and only "high" for the moment and seeking the next high. And when you’re limited as to the drugs you can get to make it better, you take what you can easily get to meet your needs, anything becomes better than nothing.
I was exposed to these items as well and they opened a Pandora's Box for me. Young people are beautiful to say the least. Their bodies do not show age or wrinkles. Regardless I do not need these things in my life now or ever. Our culture in the United States is not the same as the European cultures, where nudism is the rule not the exception. In some parts of Europe nude bodies of adults and children is as common as seeing a tooth brush and tooth paste. Europeans in certain circles are not as easily excited about what awaits under someone’s clothing or the possibilities of sexualized activities as we are in the USA, we are and I am. I was raised in environments where sex seemingly met all of my needs as a child, therefore it is not healthy to expose me to more sexualized realities in order to get well.
Hopefully that will give you a clear view of why I cannot get well in here of or any of these places I have been in. Furthermore on a daily basis guys are sexually exploited, to pay for their tobacco, pot, porno, and property and hygienic needs and supplies. We literally have patients that use their bodies as walking credit cards, whatever they need it can be paid for by bending over and taking some dick up their ass. It is not funny and I am disgusted by the fact that anybody would be reduced to having so little self concept that they will allow anybody, anywhere to have sex with them. By anybody I mean guys that have infectious diseases, such as hepatitis, herpes, Staff infections, horrid body odor, sores and scabs all over their bodies, filthy and long overgrown fungus ridden fingernails, and toenails rotten or no teeth, dandruff that looks more like a snow storm, hair that is never combed, clothing that is years past its wear, under clothing that is stained in yellow and brown, mental retardation and let’s not forget these same patients have smeared bodily fluids and waste all over their walls in their rooms and sometimes in the common areas as well, areas we all have to use and sit. I commonly use the phone and there are chunks of ear wax on the phone receivers and who knows what else where you speak into the receiver.
I also am forced to shower in nasty dirty conditions. Patients smear mucus, semen, feces, spit and body hair all over the shower walls, curtains and floors. The water is only luke-warm and shuts off after about one minute. The same is true for the bathroom and toilets. When a patient moves out of a room another is moved in soon after and the place is not cleaned and or disinfected.
On a daily basis I am forced to hear conversations and watch as guys, discuss kissing kids on televisions and they actually get a chair and kiss these kid characters and cartoons, discuss raping and molesting little kids, adults and animals. I also hear endless conversations about all the drugs and all the women they have abused and used and all the endless bodily and property crimes they have committed. In here the more things that you have done that are counter to "social norms," the more accepted and respected you are. Many times these conversations are sensationalized and romanticized. And many times staff are there listening and engaging the conversations and telling their own war stories. It does no good to say anything about it or to complain or tell someone outside of the facility because nobody cares. I have had to learn to file lawsuits and that does not help either, nobody, not even the courts of government officials care.
Well I probably said too much here but I want to be honest and truth full. Keep in mind a third party may feel the need to censor this before it is posted. As always if you have comments please post them and if you have questions that do not invade the privacy boundaries I have set I will answer them or if you would like me to speak on a certain topic let me know.
Until next time.
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